Ready, willing and stable...

I can’t believe that it’s been 6 months since I’ve arrived home. The move from Kuwait was relatively simple and slick, due to months of planning my escape – and I think I surpassed even my own expectations of securing a new job, a car and a place to live in my first 10 days home. But home I am, settled into my gorgeous new home, in a job I love. Happy just about covers it.

My biggest worry about moving back was that it would be just another re-enactment  of when I moved home after Australia. I didn’t adjust well to being back at that time, and I expected a lot from those around me. This time, it actually feels like I haven’t been away at all – which, in a roundabout way, is the nicest feeling of all. The feeling of contentment I have now is probably the most I’ve felt in years….and perhaps it has a lot to do with the fact that this time, I know that this is the place I want to be.

But, there has also been a massive shift in one aspect over the last few years. I’ve only just realised this recently and I thought I would share it with you all (as I do via my blog-mutterings)..……Spontaneity.  No one has it anymore. No one bothers with it anymore – and, before I get hounded by the parents amongst you, I understand why it has become extinct. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. And I’m not just talking about going out – I’m talking about phone calls, instead of text messaging and just turning up at someone’s house because you’re driving past….that kind of thing.

Here’s a funny thought that you may be surprised at. My mobile never rings. Seriously. It doesn’t. The only people who actually ring me (regularly) are my sister and my dad – and it’s usually because I called them first! That’s it – they’re the only ones. I remember a time, many moons ago, when my phone would literally be ringing all night – and I get it that people think that I am out every night on the razz, so they don’t bother to call, but there is this amazing invention called voicemail. If I can’t answer the phone because I am out at dinner with another friend, I won’t undermine their time by answering the phone and chatting with you. Because that’s just rude. But I will call you back, and I will giggle at the silly voicemails as I listen to them. And turning up unannounced….why doesn’t anyone do that anymore? My mum and I used to drive round in our old red Cortina going from one auntie’s house to another, having endless cups of tea, just to be sociable. And I LOVED it. Mum got to chat with the grown-ups and I got a cheeky hour of playing outside with my cousins. Heaven. And this was usually on a school night too…

People have a little whinge at me when they try and get a date in my diary to catch up, as my availability is usually limited. And the reason is, because 90% of my friends are parents – and that means they have to plan their nights out – they cannot be spontaneous (for obvious reasons). So, I then have to plan my weekends around them too. This leaves absolutely NO room for spontaneity. None at all. And I sometimes wonder what would happen if I cleared my diary for a month, didn’t make one appointment and see what would happen? My biggest fear would be that I would spend most of the month on my own, because no one has the capability nor the interest in being impulsive anymore. Not sure I’m brave enough to try it out.

And, funnily enough, after writing the piece above, spontaneity arrived at my door last night. A friend was free for a ‘one’ glass of wine….4 hours & two bottles later, not only were we slightly smashed, but as I closed the door to go to bed, I realised how thankful I was for that little unplanned visit (and she’s a mum too) – so it has just turned most of this blog upside down!

Christmas is just around the corner – and I cannot conceal my excitement this year. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m home with my family, the fact that I'm not having to work on the big day this year (!), or whether its acceptance, finally, of what Christmases have become for me. For 29 years, I had Christmas a certain way – always at mum’s, always with my siblings, nieces and nephews and almost every year, seeing some of my extended family. And of course, over the last 10 years, it’s invariable changed. The nucleus of the family has gone for me, the magic & sparkle completely disappeared and everything that I had associated with Christmas changed forever.  But this year, I don’t know – something has shifted, finally, after so long.

And acceptance is a force majeure. It has to be. Because you have no other option.  This year, I have a number of friends who are dealing with loss, grief and huge personal changes. And Christmas just throws in your face the whole ‘family, love, togetherness’ aspect. It’s always the hardest time of year when you are adjusting to change. So, this Christmas, instead of spending stupid amounts of cash on presents that actually won’t get used, why not spend the one thing on your families that we are all in need of…time. It’s what my siblings and I now do – we spend an entire day and evening together, eating, drinking, laughing and not one physical gift is exchanged. Because, you will always remember a memory – a gift can be broken, lost or damaged. Memories usually can’t be. Just a thought – perhaps for the future.

Happy Christmas to you all – from the bottom of my (very excited) heart.

Hols x 

Home is where the heart is.....

The Arabian adventure is coming to an end. It has been a unique journey, that’s for sure. A wise man (my dad) told me that even though I may not understand it or see it right now, the reasonings and lessons to be learnt from my time here will become crystal clear in the future.  Another wise man (Dave Wallis) told me that what you’re worrying about now, you won’t be worrying about in a year’s time. And a year goes by so quickly, doesn’t it? And thirdly, my wisest of men (my big bro) once told me that sometimes it’s more powerful to say nothing than to react to certain situations, which for me is a lesson in itself!  I do hope the three wise men in my life are right….I’ll let you know in due course J

What have I learnt from my time away (again)?

• That I am adaptable. That I am able to change my perspective, my views and my need to be right all the time (still work in progress, but I’m constantly working on it!).
• That I am brave, even though most days I don’t feel it, but to pack up and move to a unique country with no contacts is extremely bold. And scary. Very, very, scary.
• That I am loved – truly loved – by my family and friends. Even though I have questioned some relationships in the past, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And it also reminds me that I am not required to be everything to everyone, like I have strived for in the past. To be liked, accepted and approved of has been my mantra since I was a teenager.  I've spent the majority of my adult life exhausted! And do you know what? Those who are in my life are there for a reason, even the ones I don’t speak to or see from year to year. You’re still there. Don’t ever think you’re not.

Someone once questioned how I could juggle so frequently the friends that I have – well, firstly, I don’t have a husband and/or children to take my centre stage. I only have to think of me and what I want to do, with who I want to do it with! Secondly, I have history and memories with everyone who I consider a friend. It may be from my (much) younger days, from Harry Smiths, school, work or even because we bumped into each other in a random country and spent a day together, but history we have.  And that, my friends, is worth nurturing. 

I am a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. To have landed in Kuwait, not knowing a soul and to have an old friend from 20 years ago facebook me and tell me not only is she in Kuwait, but that I can move in with her, was actually a moment I will never forget. How is that possible that after losing touch for 8-ish years, we both end up in the same country, at the same time and pick up where we left off? Lizard, you have been my guardian angel – thank you J

 So, what’s next? That’s a tough question. I was on skype with a wonderful friend a few weeks ago and her husband popped on screen and asked me why on earth am I coming home to ‘the same old sh*t’ (or words to that effect). And it got me thinking. Is that what I’m doing? Returning to the same old, same old? I don’t believe I am because I am different. I have learnt so much about myself over the past 4 years, since I made the decision to move to Australia. And now, I can say with complete clarity that I had mistaken homesickness for loneliness  when I was in Oz. I was never alone, but I was lonely. And that was something I had never felt before. It’s only with hindsight that I can look back and know that, yes, moving home from Oz was the right move for me because as much as I loved it (still do, always will), it’s was still too far away from my family. But I learnt so much about myself during that time and it will always be the best 18 months that changed my life forever.

But when I moved back to the UK, I had an expectation that I could just slot back into people’s lives and be that stalwart support that I’ve always been. But guess what? Everyone had managed to live without me just fine whilst I was away – who knew? Life carries on when you’re not around on a daily basis, and people adjusted to the change – of course they did, what did I expect? But it was such a shock to me, to adjust to being back and nothing to have changed - when I had seen and done so much.  So when the opportunity to move abroad again arose, I jumped at the chance. Kuwait has been a wonderful experience and I am so glad I have done it – to have met the people I have, to have seen the places I have seen – it’s been another fantastic chapter to put into that memory book. But like all good chapters, it has to end.

And this time, I know what I am coming back to. I know that I want to find my own place, get a superb new role, finally remove all my stuff out of storage and put down roots, wherever in the UK that may be. Perhaps even meet someone (wouldn’t that be a shock to you all!). I want to re-invigorate my soul to being a new version of the best parts of the old me. To find that all-encompassing mojo that has been hidden for a long time. Here’s to the future – in my 40^th year, I think I’ve finally worked out who and where I want to be. Let's hope this is the start of more amazing stories to be told.

I’ll never lose my wanderlust to travel, and I will continue to see new amazing countries and cultures (I have a wish list already written out) but I’ve learnt that, no matter where you are in the world, there is no place like home.

 Always, Hols xxx