A wise woman (my mum) used to tell me 'you can always see the picture more clearly, once you're out of the frame'. Changes are afoot. Can't put my finger on exactly what or how, but I know its happening. And the clarity I've had over the past few months has been life changing.
I spent a lot of my free time when I was at home rushing around every night of the week, having dinner with friends, working late, trying to keep up with the never ending birthdays, anniversaries and friend's new arrivals (births) and kid celebrations.....and it recently occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't doing all that just for everyone else. Perhaps, I was doing it to make myself feel better. That if I didn't forget so-and-so's daughter's birthday, then when my life choices come around, that person will remember what I've done for them and I'll get it back, right? But it doesn't work like that, does it? So-and-so has a number of people remembering their daughter's birthday, so why did I think that I was so important in the grand scheme of things? Actually, I'm really not. And isn't it true that you don't give to receive? Or have most of us forgotten that and we only do things that benefit us in the long run?
I spent a lot of my free time when I was at home rushing around every night of the week, having dinner with friends, working late, trying to keep up with the never ending birthdays, anniversaries and friend's new arrivals (births) and kid celebrations.....and it recently occurred to me that perhaps I wasn't doing all that just for everyone else. Perhaps, I was doing it to make myself feel better. That if I didn't forget so-and-so's daughter's birthday, then when my life choices come around, that person will remember what I've done for them and I'll get it back, right? But it doesn't work like that, does it? So-and-so has a number of people remembering their daughter's birthday, so why did I think that I was so important in the grand scheme of things? Actually, I'm really not. And isn't it true that you don't give to receive? Or have most of us forgotten that and we only do things that benefit us in the long run?
I've been to so many weddings I've lost count (and being a bridesmaid 12 times has to be a record), not to mention the hundreds of christenings, hen dos, house warming parties, baby showers, first birthdays and engagement parties...phew, I'm exhausted just listing them! However, reflecting back on the money and time I've spent on all those life choices that my friends and family have made (which I have been fortunate enough to be a part of), I began to wonder.....will I ever get that karma coming back round to me? Reaching 37, never been married, no kids, not in a relationship that will provide any of those choices in the immediate future...Hmmm, probably not anytime soon. On paper, according to some people, I should be married, I should have a bloke and I should be thinking of having kids (*should* seems to be the word that everyone attaches to my life). But my selections so far have made me who I am....and the fact that I haven't had a wedding or a hen do or a baby shower (yet), doesn't mean that it won't happen. But I would appreciate it if people would refrain from pressurising me, as I think I'm actually doing okay. What if marriage is not meant for me? There's a thought. What if I don't ever have kids?That's a massive possibility at my age. But will that make me less of a woman in some people's eyes? Would it make me less happy? I think not. But before that small minority decides to judge where I am and what I do, just take a step back and look at your own life.......take a deep breath and be thankful for what you have. I will be a 'mum' one day. It may not be biological, I could be a step mum, a foster mum, an adoptive mum....but someone will call me mum in the future. And until that day comes, I'll be living the very best life I can.
In previous blogs, I've written (quite angrily) about people who I had classed as friends who really haven't bothered to get in touch since I've been in Australia. On reflection, I think that I was perhaps a little too quick to judge as maybe these people just don't understand what it's like being thousands of miles away from home. I honestly know that none of those people are doing it to hurt or upset me, but perhaps because we were able to have a quick catch up once every couple of months at home, that that part hasn't changed for them and by the time my name pops up in their consciousness, they think they've left it too long to get in touch. You haven't. I promise you. I think I've realised, now that I've been here for a while, that I don't need the constant activity from all my friends (and I am truly blessed to have so many). But I know they are there - should I need them. And vice versa. So, apologies if anyone took offence to my previous rantings, but unless you've done it, the physical pain of being away from home can alter your rational way of thinking.....seriously.
I'm not actually sure if there was a point to this - I seem to have gone off on a bit of a tangent.....but I think you get the jist. My life has changed 360 degrees in 7 months. I no longer strive for acceptance from people who I really shouldn't have worried about in the first place. People either like me or they don't. Simple. I no longer race through life trying to please everyone. I only try and make sure that whatever it is that I do, or wherever I go, that I am happy with that choice. And I am happier than I have ever been. So, however tough it was in the beginning, its a process that you have to try and rationalise and make sense of, which takes time and I have made mistakes in that process. I am sure that when I get home, there will be relationships that will just pick up where we left off - and there will be some that would have changed forever. But maybe it was just time to re-adjust and re-group?
Food for thought?
Talking of food, ironically, I have been recently diagnosed with a Lactose intolerance. Finally, after 12 years of not knowing what was wrong (having all types of skin tests, food allergy tests etc etc), a lovely specialist here in Sydney advised that I needed a small operation and he would find out once and for all what the problem was. And he did. Genius! So, lactose is similar to a dairy intolerance in the types of food I'm allergic to, but dairy tolerance is an immune system issue. Lactose isn't. No more milk, ice cream, yogurt or cheese for moi. Dammit. Although, I've had to start reading the backs of food labels as you would be amazed at the amount of food that has milk, whey or a milk substitute in it. For a person that hates cooking and hates fussy eaters, turns out, I'm going to be turning into one of them......A whole new eating experience is awaiting me....and it's a massive process to change the habits of a lifetime in a few weeks. But, it has to be a lifestyle change....the alternative is just not an option.
Dry July - so I managed 31 days without alcohol. Did I miss it - absolutely. I did realise that, actually, I can go into a pub and just have a soft drink and that's okay (which is something I had forgotten - especially as I don't have the excuse of driving over here). I'm glad that I managed to do it as I never thought I could and I didn't get swayed. I think it was harder for those around me - as they seemed to look at me guiltily whenever they were sipping their vino in my company :)
I intend to make up for it completely in August, starting with this weekend's outing to 'The Star' Casino on saturday night. It's going to be messy - I'll probably end up face down in the gutter by 9pm. Sheer class, me.
Thank you to everyone who sponsored me, together we raised over $500 for a Cancer Hospital charity. We rock.
Big love
Hols
xxxx
