So,
I have 3 weeks left at work and 6 weeks left in Oz. And I don’t think I have
ever felt so up in the air about anything in my life. Ever.
I
know that living long term in Australia is not for me. Of that I am sure.
However, when I stepped on that plane at Heathrow last year, I never thought
for a moment that I would have to say goodbye to people I loved again. The
first time was hard enough. And, because of the love and support I’ve found
here, I’m in exactly the same situation again. Although, this time I have learnt
my lesson and there is only one person is taking me to the airport!
I’m
leaving those I love to go into the unknown. And going home IS the unknown. People will have changed. I definitely have changed. I no longer want to
be the ‘go to’ person for a gazillion people. I try not to lose my temper so quickly. These are a couple of things, but it's always work in progress. Friends have been a massive boost too - being here has definitely separated
the wheat from the chaff (as my mum used to say). Those who went out of their way to send
regular letters, emails and txt messages proved their mettle. And for that, I'll be forever indebted to them all.
I
have been in a state of flux over the past 3 weeks. I feel as if my axis has
been upended and that my legs have turned to jelly. I never felt this scared or
worried about coming out here – the bravado I felt leaving the UK has definitely
deserted me. For now. It occurred to me last week, after I had officially
resigned from my job, that never, in my entire working career, have I ever
resigned without another job to go to. I always had that comfort in knowing a
salary would be forthcoming at some point. Hmmmm. Didn’t quite think that one
through, did I? However, I do believe that these things have a way of working
out in the end – who knows, maybe I’ll take this opportunity to change my
career completely again (but if anyone is recruiting, do keep me in mind!!!)
And
something else cropped up which surprised me. Contact and availability. Let me
explain – I’ve used my work phone since I got here, however, that has to be
handed back. So I’m back to my old UK iphone. Which is fine for free texting
(whatsapp etc), but not for normal texting or calling. And my boss actually
asked me why I was so worried about not being able to text and call whilst I am
travelling – why didn’t I try and reduce my ‘availability’. And when he first
suggested it, I nearly threw a stapler at him! Why would I want to do that?
What on earth would be the reasoning behind not be able to be in contact with
family or friends?? And then I thought about it. And he’s absolutely right.
This travelling trip is about ME. Not anyone else. I’ve worked hard to pay for
it and I’m going to make sure I have the time of my life. If that means that I
don’t have access to facebook, then so be it (I may have a few palpitations in
the first week though!). If someone texts me and I don’t respond, that’s fine
too. If I get an email and I haven’t answered it within a week, then they’ll
just have to wait. And I am looking forward to this new challenge. Whether I
can do it will remain to be seen. I’m going to keep a journal whilst I’m
travelling so I can update the blog at some point. Well, only if I can find
free WIFI, that is!
And
I wonder if I really can do without technology and this need to be available? We’ll see.
Its
quite funny, actually, that both Zoe and Tom (who I live with) have had to deal
with my mood swings, my argumentative tone and just general all-round teenage
moodiness over the past few weeks – god bless ‘em. Which, as most of you know,
is not my usual banter . Others have had to deal with emails so long they could
have been written on a roll of andrex toilet paper…..and yet, I still have
niggles in me which aren’t going away. The job thing, the lack of income, no
defined place to live……someone actually said to me yesterday that perhaps I
should flip this situation on its head and realise that without these things,
it actually gives me something else that not everyone else is fortunate to
have…..Freedom. To do whatever I like, whenever I like with whoever I like. And
perhaps they’re right. I spent enough years with a mortgage tied round my neck
– now it’s time to look at the optimist side of things….glass half full?
One last thing - I had a vivid dream last night of being up really high on a bridge and walking across it with a few friends. When we came to the end, I couldn't do it - I couldn't get down those steps, I was paralysed with fear because of how high up we were, and I was sobbing. Which woke me up. And it got me thinking - is that my subconciousness telling me I just have to take that massive leap???
Regardless of what happens, I think that couch
surfing could end up being a sport I could win a gold medal in….who knows :)
Always
Hols
xxxxxx
