The Dating Game.....

Oh, don’t you just love being single in this day and age…well, no, actually…most people don’t.

Singledom, for me, has been a way of life for a very long time. I was in such a cloud of grief after losing mum that I couldn’t see straight. I made a very bold statement not long after she died of ‘nothing now can ever hurt me again’ and I believe I put my mind to say ‘well, what’s the point in getting into a relationship if I am unable to love again’. Sounds dramatic, but that’s exactly how I felt.

The move to Australia, to me, was the start of the beginning of the rest of my life. It cleared so many cobwebs out of my life, and I started the long process of finally seeing me and what I can achieve if I really put my mind to it. A lot of people assumed I would settle in Oz, with my strapping ‘bruce’, throwing shrimps on the barbie…but it was a tough market out there. And really, I went there to find peace within me. Challenge accepted and nailed.

‘Getting out there’, as I am told frequently by some, does not equate to finding someone to date. Believe me. There is nobody who is ‘OUT THERE’ more than me. I socialise all the time – and yet? Nada. Yet no-one has ever introduced me to their other halves friends or any suitable work colleagues….and considering how many friends I have, I find that quite amusing. Paying for online dating seems to cause more anxiety than happiness, in my view. It costs a fortune, when you add up the numerous sites you feel you have to add your profile onto. And when you send messages, wink, nudge, smile, whatever you need to do to attract the attention of someone who you think looks alright and seems to have put some effort into their profile, they ignore you!. Ha! And there’s all my friends, who are in relationships telling me to get online and find the one. Would you do it? Would you put yourself in the firing line to be rejected? I don’t think you would. Most people are not brave enough.

A friend of mine (single) was talking to a male friend of hers (also single) and they were discussing the old adage of meeting someone in a pub/club and starting up a conversation. She mentioned that this never happens anymore, which I can absolutely vouch for, and his response was quite startling. He said ‘why would I try and chat up a woman and get rejected to my face, when I can go online and message 30-40 women and if they ignore me, I have been rejected, but am none the wiser’. Is this the future that us singletons are facing? If so, I’m not sure I want any part of it….But what baffles me are the men (in my age bracket) who are only looking for the ‘slim, athletic, young’ women. And it stumps me, because that’s all they’re concerned with. Has it really gotten to this? That it is all about appearance?  I’ve had so many cases where I start a conversation with a bloke who seems quite nice and somehow, we come round to body type (as it does) and I’m honest with them. Plus, my online pictures are in real-time, of me today, not of when I was a size 8 at 21. So why are they so disappointed when I explain I’m a ‘bigger girl’? And, surprise, surprise, out of radio contact they go. Disappear. Gone. Just like that. A minority, granted, but it still stings.

I’ve been on a few dates recently. I’ll leave the comedy stories for another time (or perhaps the book I’m thinking of writing) and it’s safe to say that it absolutely is a numbers game – as a wise friend told me once. When you do actually get messaging someone, and it transfers to ‘whatsapp’ and you talk for a week or two, find you have a number of things in common, it so disappointing to then meet and know, instantly, that they’re just not right – and I am not talking about looks. I mean, the spark, a connection, fancying someone. It’s a tough call.

I was once asked if I was gay.  Because apparently being single for so long constitutes that I must be, right? Well, no. It doesn’t. And even if you think that someone might be gay, you never actually come out and ask them because, I know from wonderful individuals within my close circle who are gay that it takes a whole shipful of courage and strength to announce it. If I were, believe me, I would not hesitate to shout it from the rooftops. So I think I’ve cleared that one up. Once and for all. Just in case there was any question about my sexuality!

My facebook post recently, about how my friends met their other halves bought up some interesting facts. That actually most of my friends have been in relationships for a long time and therefore would have more than likely met in a pub/club etc. Newer relationships are more likely to be online, but I still have the view that, actually, nothing beats meeting someone in person, rather than through a ‘profile’. So, thank you to all who commented with your stories.

I’ll persevere with this crazy dating cycle, forever the optimist and maybe one day, I’ll meet ‘him’. But do you know what? If I don’t, I get to live a life that I am proud of, a life that I love. With the love and support I get from all my friends (male and female) and my family, if marriage and babies aren’t meant to be written in the stars for me, well, I’m absolutely at peace with that. Single for me isn’t a lonely life. It’s a full life that I already have that I simply want to share with someone. That person won’t fill a hole that is missing. They will simply hold my hand as I continue on this journey called ‘life’.

Because, being with someone doesn’t make you whole. I am whole, as me, as Holly….and as my new tattoo states….being ‘the original’.

Love, in abundance, to you all xxx

Ready, willing and stable...

I can’t believe that it’s been 6 months since I’ve arrived home. The move from Kuwait was relatively simple and slick, due to months of planning my escape – and I think I surpassed even my own expectations of securing a new job, a car and a place to live in my first 10 days home. But home I am, settled into my gorgeous new home, in a job I love. Happy just about covers it.

My biggest worry about moving back was that it would be just another re-enactment  of when I moved home after Australia. I didn’t adjust well to being back at that time, and I expected a lot from those around me. This time, it actually feels like I haven’t been away at all – which, in a roundabout way, is the nicest feeling of all. The feeling of contentment I have now is probably the most I’ve felt in years….and perhaps it has a lot to do with the fact that this time, I know that this is the place I want to be.

But, there has also been a massive shift in one aspect over the last few years. I’ve only just realised this recently and I thought I would share it with you all (as I do via my blog-mutterings)..……Spontaneity.  No one has it anymore. No one bothers with it anymore – and, before I get hounded by the parents amongst you, I understand why it has become extinct. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. And I’m not just talking about going out – I’m talking about phone calls, instead of text messaging and just turning up at someone’s house because you’re driving past….that kind of thing.

Here’s a funny thought that you may be surprised at. My mobile never rings. Seriously. It doesn’t. The only people who actually ring me (regularly) are my sister and my dad – and it’s usually because I called them first! That’s it – they’re the only ones. I remember a time, many moons ago, when my phone would literally be ringing all night – and I get it that people think that I am out every night on the razz, so they don’t bother to call, but there is this amazing invention called voicemail. If I can’t answer the phone because I am out at dinner with another friend, I won’t undermine their time by answering the phone and chatting with you. Because that’s just rude. But I will call you back, and I will giggle at the silly voicemails as I listen to them. And turning up unannounced….why doesn’t anyone do that anymore? My mum and I used to drive round in our old red Cortina going from one auntie’s house to another, having endless cups of tea, just to be sociable. And I LOVED it. Mum got to chat with the grown-ups and I got a cheeky hour of playing outside with my cousins. Heaven. And this was usually on a school night too…

People have a little whinge at me when they try and get a date in my diary to catch up, as my availability is usually limited. And the reason is, because 90% of my friends are parents – and that means they have to plan their nights out – they cannot be spontaneous (for obvious reasons). So, I then have to plan my weekends around them too. This leaves absolutely NO room for spontaneity. None at all. And I sometimes wonder what would happen if I cleared my diary for a month, didn’t make one appointment and see what would happen? My biggest fear would be that I would spend most of the month on my own, because no one has the capability nor the interest in being impulsive anymore. Not sure I’m brave enough to try it out.

And, funnily enough, after writing the piece above, spontaneity arrived at my door last night. A friend was free for a ‘one’ glass of wine….4 hours & two bottles later, not only were we slightly smashed, but as I closed the door to go to bed, I realised how thankful I was for that little unplanned visit (and she’s a mum too) – so it has just turned most of this blog upside down!

Christmas is just around the corner – and I cannot conceal my excitement this year. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m home with my family, the fact that I'm not having to work on the big day this year (!), or whether its acceptance, finally, of what Christmases have become for me. For 29 years, I had Christmas a certain way – always at mum’s, always with my siblings, nieces and nephews and almost every year, seeing some of my extended family. And of course, over the last 10 years, it’s invariable changed. The nucleus of the family has gone for me, the magic & sparkle completely disappeared and everything that I had associated with Christmas changed forever.  But this year, I don’t know – something has shifted, finally, after so long.

And acceptance is a force majeure. It has to be. Because you have no other option.  This year, I have a number of friends who are dealing with loss, grief and huge personal changes. And Christmas just throws in your face the whole ‘family, love, togetherness’ aspect. It’s always the hardest time of year when you are adjusting to change. So, this Christmas, instead of spending stupid amounts of cash on presents that actually won’t get used, why not spend the one thing on your families that we are all in need of…time. It’s what my siblings and I now do – we spend an entire day and evening together, eating, drinking, laughing and not one physical gift is exchanged. Because, you will always remember a memory – a gift can be broken, lost or damaged. Memories usually can’t be. Just a thought – perhaps for the future.

Happy Christmas to you all – from the bottom of my (very excited) heart.

Hols x 

Home is where the heart is.....

The Arabian adventure is coming to an end. It has been a unique journey, that’s for sure. A wise man (my dad) told me that even though I may not understand it or see it right now, the reasonings and lessons to be learnt from my time here will become crystal clear in the future.  Another wise man (Dave Wallis) told me that what you’re worrying about now, you won’t be worrying about in a year’s time. And a year goes by so quickly, doesn’t it? And thirdly, my wisest of men (my big bro) once told me that sometimes it’s more powerful to say nothing than to react to certain situations, which for me is a lesson in itself!  I do hope the three wise men in my life are right….I’ll let you know in due course J

What have I learnt from my time away (again)?

• That I am adaptable. That I am able to change my perspective, my views and my need to be right all the time (still work in progress, but I’m constantly working on it!).
• That I am brave, even though most days I don’t feel it, but to pack up and move to a unique country with no contacts is extremely bold. And scary. Very, very, scary.
• That I am loved – truly loved – by my family and friends. Even though I have questioned some relationships in the past, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And it also reminds me that I am not required to be everything to everyone, like I have strived for in the past. To be liked, accepted and approved of has been my mantra since I was a teenager.  I've spent the majority of my adult life exhausted! And do you know what? Those who are in my life are there for a reason, even the ones I don’t speak to or see from year to year. You’re still there. Don’t ever think you’re not.

Someone once questioned how I could juggle so frequently the friends that I have – well, firstly, I don’t have a husband and/or children to take my centre stage. I only have to think of me and what I want to do, with who I want to do it with! Secondly, I have history and memories with everyone who I consider a friend. It may be from my (much) younger days, from Harry Smiths, school, work or even because we bumped into each other in a random country and spent a day together, but history we have.  And that, my friends, is worth nurturing. 

I am a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. To have landed in Kuwait, not knowing a soul and to have an old friend from 20 years ago facebook me and tell me not only is she in Kuwait, but that I can move in with her, was actually a moment I will never forget. How is that possible that after losing touch for 8-ish years, we both end up in the same country, at the same time and pick up where we left off? Lizard, you have been my guardian angel – thank you J

 So, what’s next? That’s a tough question. I was on skype with a wonderful friend a few weeks ago and her husband popped on screen and asked me why on earth am I coming home to ‘the same old sh*t’ (or words to that effect). And it got me thinking. Is that what I’m doing? Returning to the same old, same old? I don’t believe I am because I am different. I have learnt so much about myself over the past 4 years, since I made the decision to move to Australia. And now, I can say with complete clarity that I had mistaken homesickness for loneliness  when I was in Oz. I was never alone, but I was lonely. And that was something I had never felt before. It’s only with hindsight that I can look back and know that, yes, moving home from Oz was the right move for me because as much as I loved it (still do, always will), it’s was still too far away from my family. But I learnt so much about myself during that time and it will always be the best 18 months that changed my life forever.

But when I moved back to the UK, I had an expectation that I could just slot back into people’s lives and be that stalwart support that I’ve always been. But guess what? Everyone had managed to live without me just fine whilst I was away – who knew? Life carries on when you’re not around on a daily basis, and people adjusted to the change – of course they did, what did I expect? But it was such a shock to me, to adjust to being back and nothing to have changed - when I had seen and done so much.  So when the opportunity to move abroad again arose, I jumped at the chance. Kuwait has been a wonderful experience and I am so glad I have done it – to have met the people I have, to have seen the places I have seen – it’s been another fantastic chapter to put into that memory book. But like all good chapters, it has to end.

And this time, I know what I am coming back to. I know that I want to find my own place, get a superb new role, finally remove all my stuff out of storage and put down roots, wherever in the UK that may be. Perhaps even meet someone (wouldn’t that be a shock to you all!). I want to re-invigorate my soul to being a new version of the best parts of the old me. To find that all-encompassing mojo that has been hidden for a long time. Here’s to the future – in my 40^th year, I think I’ve finally worked out who and where I want to be. Let's hope this is the start of more amazing stories to be told.

I’ll never lose my wanderlust to travel, and I will continue to see new amazing countries and cultures (I have a wish list already written out) but I’ve learnt that, no matter where you are in the world, there is no place like home.

 Always, Hols xxx

Hot in the City.....

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to sit down and finally write my ‘Middle Eastern’ blog. I’ve been here in Kuwait for  4 months now, which has flow past – in a bit of a whirlwind to be honest  and it is  completely different to my first 3 months in Australia. More about that later.

So, it’s hot. Damn hot. Like 45 degrees plus every single day. But it’s not humid which is something I am thankful for -  it just feels like the skin on your face could spontaneously combust at any moment....and that your eyes have dried up to the size of raisins. But apart from that, it’s fine!

Living in a Muslim country has opened my eyes to a number of things. Most notably, is the religious aspect. I’m not going to preach my views here, as to be honest, I am of the opinion of whatever floats your boat – but what I do now have is a deeper understanding of why women cover their faces, heads and bodies in the name of Islam. And do you know what? It’s not for me to explain it to you. If you want to know why they do it, go and research it – you may be pleasantly surprised. But don’t judge women who wear burkha’s on some facebook group that’s trying to incite hatred. People, if you have the knowledge, you have the power. Simples.

We have just finished the 4 weeks of the holy month of ‘Ramadan’ in July. It was tough. We worked reduced hours due to the number of employees who would be fasting, but to not have that bottle of water on my desk, or those nibbles in my draw to eat, was really tough. Turns out, I can go a few hours without eating – who knew??! I did notice that my nails started to split and my skin was really dry from the lack of water. And I was SO lethargic! But we had little kitchenettes we could go into to drink water and one of our canteens was open so we could take our lunches and eat in there. But obviously, I was never organised with taking my lunch in and I would forget to visit the kitchen regularly. I am such an ejit sometimes.

Okay, so let me give you a rough guide to living in Kuwait. There are no trains here. None at all. Don’t think I’ve ever been to country that doesn’t have trains before. Driving – now there’s a whole new concept. I cannot begin to explain how much you take your life into your own hands by driving in Kuwait. It is absolute madness. People on their phones, kids running wild in the car (no car seats here, by the way – I actually saw a man with his 3 year old on his lap whilst he was driving). No concept of safety – its all ‘Inshallah’ which means ‘God Willing’. If you’re in a crash, it’s ‘inshallah’.  There are car loads of women with 4 or 5 maids in the back seat and the front seat empty.  Because they are maids.  Single women throw their mobile phones into the cars next to them for the guys to add their numbers into their phones – some even have diamante phone numbers on the back of their cars for men to call them. Can’t decide if that’s genius or terrifying! And the men are just as bad – with their supercars, racing down the highways. Madness. I also have a driver. It sounds a lot more glamorous that it actually is. I have a taxi driver who picks me up every morning and drive me to work. I do NOT want to drive out here....I relish my life far too much. The taxi’s here seem to be on a good thing. Petrol cost £4 to fill up a 3 litre SUV. Yes, you read that right. And most taxi journeys cost between £3-5 one way. So yeah, I think sometimes I’m in the wrong job.

The houses are enormous. As a Kuwaiti, once you are married, the government hands you a piece of land. However, because Kuwait is now getting a bit congested, they keep their land outside of the city, and instead build upwards on mum and dad’s house. There are no gardens, as it’s too hot to sit outside. So the buildings just get taller and taller – with rooftop covered pools. If you are born in Kuwait, you are not considered a Kuwaiti unless both your parents are born here. So many children are born here, but are not allowed a Kuwaiti passport.I heard a great saying the other day – if a Kuwaiti could drive up to bed, they would. Which pretty much sums up how the lives of the rich are here. When I go to the supermarket and try and pack my shopping into my recycling bags, I get looks of complete shock from the workers as they can’t comprehend why I would want to pack my own bags. And not use 700 plastic bags to take everything home in! There’s no recycling here either, which goes against what I’m used to.

On the whole, I am loving living in Kuwait. I was fortunate enough to find out that a very old friend was already living here when I arrived, and she kindly offered for me to rent a room from her. With a pool on the roof, air con and all modern amenities, how could I have said no?  I literally cannot believe my luck. Someone was definitely looking out for me. Thanks Mum.  Work is making the time fly. I am learning so much on a daily basis, that my head feels like it going to explode every evening.  For the first time in my career, I am concentrating wholly on my work – I know it will surprise most of you to know that most weeknights I come straight home, have dinner and go to bed! The weekends seem to last longer out here – I am assuming it’s because I’m not hanging every Saturday morning with a raging hangover and spending half the day in bed. I do miss drinking, but not as much as everyone else thought I would. Although everytime I Skype with my dad & pat, they both have a glass of vino on the go – thanks guys!

Homesickness isn’t a problem this time around. It has occurred to me that when I was in Australia, I actually wasn’t homesick - I was lonely. Even though I made an amazing group of friends, there were still nights I was home alone, and that’s when I felt it the most. I’d never really spent time alone before then – as most of you know, my diary was always full with meeting so-and-so for drinks or going to someone’s house for dinner. So my time in Australia taught me that having time on your own is amazing – that, to be able to spend time alone is crucial. And, as it turns out, I’m quite good company! Who knew?

Also recently, it’s been that spate of birthdays for most of my friends now turning the big 4-0. And it’s only 6 months until I hit mine. A few of my friends seem to be having difficulty with this big birthday approaching, but I cannot wait. As you know, my 30’s started with the most life changing situation to have ever happened to me (losing my mum 2 months before) and I’ve come to realise that I’ve now lived my entire 30’s without her. And I’ve learnt a lot in that time – about who I am, where I want to be and who I want to become. I know that when I was in my 20’s, it was assumed that I would be the one out of most of my friends who would be married and have children by now. Isn’t it funny how life turns out? I have accepted the fact that biological children may not be in my future – but I do hope that one day, someone may call me mum, whether via adoption or fostering, but who knows. It’s hard to know how that will pan out. But for now, I’ll enjoy the path I am taking and know that whatever lies ahead for me, it was already mapped out long before now.

Love, always x

Leaving, on a jet plane......again.

So, the word is on the street. Those itchy feet have made me consider new opportunities and  I'm off again. To some, I don't think it's a massive surprise that I'm off on my next adventure. The 'coming home' experience was not everything I thought it would be, although, I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and that I was meant to come home in order to know where to go next.

Hindsight is the greatest thing, right? I now know that I made a snap decision to leave Australia. And there will be a lot of 'I told you so's'. However, on the flip side, once my decision was made, I then moulded into the happiest I've ever been. Looking back, I know I couldn't have stayed in a recruitment agency role (as much as I loved my job and my boss!), but I fell out of love with the recruitment industry. So, purely on that level, I knew I had to come home and move into an inhouse role as my visa would not give me that opportunity in Oz. My journey was to take me to Mothercare in order to find out about Alshaya, which has now opened more new doors for me to step through. 

In my past blogs, I have spoken a lot about friendships. To me, my friends represent the lack of partner in my life, they have taken the place of a husband and child(ren) - sometimes to my detriment. My family are the one constant in my life, however, my demands on their time, love and support can sometimes cause friction as they cope with their own demands. I'm well aware of that. But readjusting to your surroundings takes time, patience and understanding from all those around you.

I've learnt a lot over the past 10 months about how I'm perceived, how I deliver my words and the fact that, actually, I do have a lot of patience and I have changed, but some still assume I will react like I used to, so they back away. So, the question is, are people open to change or do they fear it and stay the same as its easier?

Someone told me recently that in response to not having the 'big' occasions in my life yet (a marriage, children, buying a house with a partner), I'm actually chasing my own 'immense' rollercoaster rides, which invariably includes moving abroad and starting again. I used to fear the unknown, the fear not being known and the thought of being in a place where no one knew me filled me with terror. But, oh my, how that has changed. It's now my desire to be somewhere new, to be unseen, to walk around incognito and only tell people parts of my life that I want them to know. That, my friends, is my new passion. That and not starting my sentences with 'no, but'. Right Zo?

My counselling course has taught me a lot of personal things. I've realised I have a fear of abandonment, which makes me smother my friends & family in many ways. I expect people in my inner circle to think of me, like I think of them - and when they don't, I am always confused & feel let down which then makes me question my relationship with them. But that's my issue, not theirs. And it's something I'm working on, which will take time and effort. It's hard to try and tweak personal idiosyncrasies when you're surrounded by people who may judge you on your past behaviours. I know that I speak my mind, but I have never done it with malice or cruelty. I never speak to maim someone. Ever. But some feel it's okay to speak their truths to me and I have to take that on board? How is that fair? Others judge my honesty as a negative and yet, when they want a new perspective or advice, who's the person they'll come to? My point exactly. But I always have open arms and (hopefully) an open mind when they do come to me.... 

University also taught me a raw truth - that I am hardly ever listened to. I speak, people hear me, but they very rarely listen. Because if they did, they would see how hard I've been working to try and tweak my behaviours, that my personal journey from Australia (and around the world) has made me change my perspective. I am no longer angry at everyone. I try not to judge. I have a mostly positive outlook on life and I try and be happy almost everyday. My journey to Kuwait will give me a new perspective on my career and my finances. And who knows, perhaps one day I will be a lot happier with who I am, with what I have to offer and will get the opportunity to feel unconditional love. But for now, I'll travel the world and take you all with me via my blog.

And right now, that's just enough.


xxxxxx

Be thankful...part 2

China, Dubai, Hawaii

 The onward journey from Bangkok to China was relatively simple, but due to two weeks of constantly moving on the Cambodian trek, when I arrived in Beijing my body just sort of said ‘enough’ and I was hit with a virus, which floored me. I managed to do one day’s full trip to see the Ming Tombs, the Forbidden City, Tienanmen Square and The Great Wall of China, but had to spend the 2^nd day in bed, feeling very sorry for myself. I met two girls from Essex on our day trip who were hilarious! I thought they were going to wet themselves laughing when they saw my reaction to their offer of a ‘proper’ jaffa cake....real chocolate! I was dancing and whooping all over the jade factory car park.....bless them, they actually gave me the whole packet purely on the fact they felt sorry for me not to have had a genuine jaffa cake in 18 months. Good girls.

 I wasn't a big fan of Beijing. There just seemed quite a negative vibe to the place. When I asked my tour guide about the Tienanmen Square protest, she just shrugged and said ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about’. And meant it. Turns out, because of the censorship in China, a lot of the Chinese actually don’t know what happened there. And that stunned me. The heritage of the city was amazing, but I just felt that some people didn't seem to want to interact with any westerners. I’m glad I went though, and I can always boast about the Great Wall, however, I don’t think I would be in a rush to go back.

 Dubai ended up being just 2 days of sleeping off the rest of the virus. I think I definitely need to go back there and see it in all its glory. It was amazingly clean, friendly, hot and the food was amazing. However, it did slightly unnerve me when I got a facebook friend request from one of the pool boys who had found out my name from my room number! I complained to the manager, as being a female lone traveller, that kinda spooked me – have been offered a one night free stay – good excuse to go back. Anyone for Dubai?

I arrived in Hawaii, via a stopover in LA for one night, and from the minute I walked off the plane, I knew I was going to love this place. And yes, they do actually put a ‘Lei’ over your head when you walk into arrivals. My hotel was very central (if not a tad basic), but it had everything I needed. Plus, for some reason, they gave me a room with two double beds. Touch! Waikiki Beach was breathtaking – what I loved about the whole island was that it stuck to its heritage with a flash of westernisation and a modern take on their culture. The large corporate fast food joints weren't allowed to plaster their signs all over the buildings, they had to adapt to the feel of the island, so twice I walked past a KFC and a Burger King without knowing they were there. The night markets were amazing and I just know that Hawaii is one of the places that not many people go to, but absolutely should. One of the best places to eat was the ‘Cheesecake Factory’ which actually served one of the best club sandwiches I’d ever eaten. However, I was warned by a lovely Brazilian woman (who I met whilst dipping in the sea), that I was not to go to Maui – you should only go there if you’re newly married or retired – as it’s known as the island for the ‘newly weds or nearly deads’! No nightlife after 7pm - glad I picked Waikiki then.

The last few days in Hawaii were a little strange. I knew I only had a limited time left before I got on that flight at LA to come home and I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it all. Nervous? Definitely. Excited? Of course. But I knew that the most important thing to me was to not fall back into my old ways and run around after my friends to please everyone. The one thing I learnt in Australia was to do what pleased me, first and foremost.

 Home...

Coming through those double doors at Heathrow made me feel a bit sick. I was nearly hyperventilating with excitement and I could hardly breath. As the doors swung open, the first figure I could make out was my big bro, and then I saw Kim, Ruby, Sue, Dad & Pat. My heart was beating out of my chest and the tears just streamed down my face. Ruby and Kim ran to me and then I was just enveloped in hugs from my family. I was home, safe, back in the arms of my loved ones.

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of phonecalls, visits, jetlag and trying to adjust to settling back into some sort of routine. I was fortunate enough to find somewhere to live, get my car back on the road and find a job all within a few days (my stepmum wants to know what the female equivalent of ‘Goldenballs’ is), and I felt like a fish out of water. Everything was scarily familiar, yet absolutely nothing had changed. Only me. And I didn’t quite know how to deal with the onslaught of adapting to a life I knew so well, yet, wasn’t sure exactly what it was I wanted.

Over 3 months later, and I can still have the wind knocked out of my sails by remembering my world in Australia and the life I led there. I know for sure that here is where I want to be, but I am missing my ‘people’ who I did everything with as I’d never had that kind of group of friends before. The kind where I wasn’t the decision maker and someone else would tell me where we’re going and what we were doing. Relinquishing control was so freeing.  And I loved that.

Adapting to my new/old life is an ongoing project. I have found a job that I love, I’m living in a great house and I get to see my family regularly. Tick, tick, tick. But, there are still quite a lot of adjusting to do. But I’m getting there. I am sick with nerves at the thought of starting University, but I know it’s a course that I will love. Not quite sure how I am going to fit in the studying with my hectic social life, so if I go off the radar, at least you’ll know it’s because I’ve got my head in a book, not because I’m being rude J

Friends are still the lifeblood of my world. Good, bad, indifferent, they have all made their mark on my time away and my arrival home. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for the love, support, tears, arguments and alcohol that I have shared with these people. Mum used to say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime....and right now those words are very apt.

Perhaps I need to change the name of my blog now.......any ideas would be greatly appreciated as well as any advice on where this blog should be directed now?

Love and light

xxxx

Be Thankful....Part 1

The blog update will  be in 3 parts....so enjoy the first sitting :)

This trip of a lifetime has been so much more than I ever expected. And, ironically, it's been the least westernised places that have astounded me with their customer service and general loveliness. 

THAILAND & VIETNAM

My first week was spent in glorious Thailand. My beautiful friend Tori came with me and we spent the first day together in Bangkok. We got slightly lost due to a rogue tuktuk driver with no idea where to go and what to do....and this thai woman passed by us, stepped back and asked if we needed help. She told us the best places to go, got us a tuk tuk, negotiated a great price and advised us about costs of trips etc, and expected no money in return. Tor and i couldn't believe our luck! So, off we went - and had an awesome day. Although we realised by 2pm we hadn't eaten a thing, so after nearly passing out on the road, we ended up on the Koh San road, drinking 'Chang' beer and eating superb food - in, ironically, in the first ever bar I went to, back in 1998 called 'lucky beer'.

We travelled to an amazing resort called 'cha-am' and spent a week in paradise. We only left the hotel once, to go to the next town called 'hua hin' for an afternoon. And neither of us had ever felt so exposed, so uncomfortable or so unsafe. Needless to say, we were back on the bus as soon as we could! Only benefit of being in that town was finding a 'boots the chemist' shop!!! Its the little things....

Tori and I parted company and I flew onto Vietnam. I was only staying two nights, as I was due to meet my 'trek' people on the Saturday night. On the Friday, I got there mid afternoon but, initially, I just didn't like the vibe of Ho Chi Minh city...not sure why, just didn't. Met up with my mate Dave, from home, on the Saturday morning and I had been speaking to a 'cyclo' driver who said he'd do a good deal for the day, for $15. Sounds good, thought Dave and I. So we got cycled around Ho Chi Minh for about 4 hours....which was good fun, although the roads are chaos! No rhyme or reason to the driving and the place is overrun with scooters! Something like 6 million scooters in the city alone. Mental. Got to the 'war memorial' museum, which was amazing. There was a lot of information that I never really knew about the Vietnam war, and some of the pictures I saw had me in tears. Truly terrifying.

Ended our day with the cyclo driver scamming us out of a LOT of money....which gutted me as I'd hoped that Vietnam wouldn't live up to my initial dread. But it did. However, we met up with the 'Cambodia Trekkers' that evening, and went out for dinner.....little did I realise at that point that these 14 other people would end up sharing the most amazing holiday with me...and all keeping me massively entertained with their random ways and personalities.

CAMBODIA

We arrived in Phenom Pheng after an epic 8 hour coach trip on a public bus, which had air con and played the Cambodian equivalent of 'one direction' on repeat. Thank god for Ipads! We spent the next two days in this wonderfully colourful and vibrant city, walking around and tasting the local delicacies (well, jeremy & gayle did!). We got taken to S21, the Major prison where the Khumer Rouge kept most prisoners before they were taken to the 'Killing Fields'. It was a blistering hot day and walking around this eerie prison site, seeing the cells, the torture chambers and tools was a very sobering experience. It was so quiet, even though we were one road back from a major street and we barely spoke to each other - just drinking in the emotion of the place. Imagining what those people had to endure, just because one man decided he was better than everyone else. Pol Pot killed over 2 million cambodians, mostly the elderly and educated, as he wanted a new breed of citizens who would do whatever he said and wouldn't challenge his decisions. We met an actual survivor, who was amazing - he spoke through a translator and when he described his torture, you could see everyone was nearly in tears.

We moved onto the Killing Fields. Imagine being in a bus, being told that you are on your way to a new village, for a brand new start. You arrive and, whilst being chained to the other prisoners, you hear soft music blaring out of the speakers. Nirvana, right? Wrong. They played the music so loud so that the new arrivals couldn't hear the executions taking place in the fields. Here, they murdered women, children and even babies. I've never been anywhere so affecting in my whole life. The 16 of us walked around in a trance, not quite believing that this place and this horrendous genocide could actually happen, not only in our lifetime, but up until 1978. 

Once we returned to the bus and travelled to our 'homestay', we all barely spoke. I don't think any of us could quite comprehend what we had just seen. However, the homestay blew away the negative, sad thoughts and bought us all back into the present. We had an amazing meal and a troupe of local children put on a wonderful show for us. We then all split into groups and slept under a mosquito net in a small hut on stilts, literally in the jungle. I shared a mattress with Diana, with Tess, Luke and David in the same room. And then the giggles got Diana and I. We laughed like drains over the silliest things for hours.....proper belly laughing. Then the sounds of the jungle kicked in and it was worse that sleeping next to the M25! The noise was deafening....needless to say, we got about 2 hours sleep.

The next day we did a small trek to the waterfalls (it nearly killed us all, treking over boulders in our flip fllops) and then we travelled to a beach resort called Sihanoukville. We stayed here for three days - having pedicures and threading parts of our bodies on the beach, eating fresh seafood (well, some people may not have called it fresh after the food poisioning they got!), took a boat trip to an amazing island called Bamboo Island, snorkeling in the crystal blue water, fishing off the side of the boat with a length of fishing wire and.....well, that was it really, just the wire.

Went went to 'Spider Town', where our guide Sareth had teased me mercilessly about making sure I had tight trousers on so that the spiders didn't crawl up my legs! I was nearly hyperventilating, much to everyone else's delight. However, it was all a joke and its known for it's deep fried trantulas, which a few people tried eating (lunatics). Cambodians eat insects as a good source of protein as when they worked in the fields under the Pol Pot regime, it was all they could find to eat. Eat them or die. Simple really.

We moved onto Siem Riep, to visit the major temple of Angkor Wat. It was breathtaking. Absolutely stunning. Definitely a 'tick' off the bucket list. We had a few days in Siem Riep and it was amazing - strolling round the night markets, a night out in a 'hip hop' club, a boat trip to probably the worst place in the world ('one dollah') and then finishing off in a hammock bar, listening to Michael Bolton screaming out about how is he supposed to live without me....

We finished up back in Bangkok - one more night with the whole crew together and what did we decide to do? Go to a 'Ping pong' show......well, all I'll say about that is its a view I'll never forget - and I never realised Roberto was so good with a Ping Pong bat!

A few of us stayed in Bangkok a few more days, but one by one the numbers dwindled as everyone said goodbye. I loved the fact that every other holiday I've had, I've made a conscious effort of deciding who to go away with....and then, purely by fate, 15 of the funniest, bravest, strongest people get thrown together to see some life changing sights. I'll never look at immodium the same again and I know that I am happy to see the back of the 'bug spray' as I went through bucket loads of the stuff.......but, the memories I will always have. And I thank the Cambodian Trekkers (and tori) for a holiday of a lifetime:

Dave
Luke & Dave
Diana
Luana & Roberto
TJ & Callum
Jeremy
Gayle
Hannah
Jo
Anna
Jackie
Tess

YOU ROCK!!!! xxxxxxxxx

The Final Countdown...

So, I have 3 weeks left at work and 6 weeks left in Oz. And I don’t think I have ever felt so up in the air about anything in my life. Ever.

I know that living long term in Australia is not for me. Of that I am sure. However, when I stepped on that plane at Heathrow last year, I never thought for a moment that I would have to say goodbye to people I loved again. The first time was hard enough. And, because of the love and support I’ve found here, I’m in exactly the same situation again. Although, this time I have learnt my lesson and there is only one person is taking me to the airport!

I’m leaving those I love to go into the unknown. And going home IS the unknown. People will have changed. I definitely have changed. I no longer want to be the ‘go to’ person for a gazillion people. I try not to lose my temper so quickly. These are a couple of things, but it's always work in progress. Friends have been a massive boost too - being here has definitely separated the wheat from the chaff (as my mum used to say). Those who went out of their way to send regular letters, emails and txt messages proved their mettle. And for that, I'll be forever indebted to them all.

I have been in a state of flux over the past 3 weeks. I feel as if my axis has been upended and that my legs have turned to jelly. I never felt this scared or worried about coming out here – the bravado I felt leaving the UK has definitely deserted me. For now. It occurred to me last week, after I had officially resigned from my job, that never, in my entire working career, have I ever resigned without another job to go to. I always had that comfort in knowing a salary would be forthcoming at some point. Hmmmm. Didn’t quite think that one through, did I? However, I do believe that these things have a way of working out in the end – who knows, maybe I’ll take this opportunity to change my career completely again (but if anyone is recruiting, do keep me in mind!!!)

And something else cropped up which surprised me. Contact and availability. Let me explain – I’ve used my work phone since I got here, however, that has to be handed back. So I’m back to my old UK iphone. Which is fine for free texting (whatsapp etc), but not for normal texting or calling. And my boss actually asked me why I was so worried about not being able to text and call whilst I am travelling – why didn’t I try and reduce my ‘availability’. And when he first suggested it, I nearly threw a stapler at him! Why would I want to do that? What on earth would be the reasoning behind not be able to be in contact with family or friends?? And then I thought about it. And he’s absolutely right. This travelling trip is about ME. Not anyone else. I’ve worked hard to pay for it and I’m going to make sure I have the time of my life. If that means that I don’t have access to facebook, then so be it (I may have a few palpitations in the first week though!). If someone texts me and I don’t respond, that’s fine too. If I get an email and I haven’t answered it within a week, then they’ll just have to wait. And I am looking forward to this new challenge. Whether I can do it will remain to be seen. I’m going to keep a journal whilst I’m travelling so I can update the blog at some point. Well, only if I can find free WIFI, that is!

And I wonder if I really can do without technology and this need to be available? We’ll see.

Its quite funny, actually, that both Zoe and Tom (who I live with) have had to deal with my mood swings, my argumentative tone and just general all-round teenage moodiness over the past few weeks – god bless ‘em. Which, as most of you know, is not my usual banter . Others have had to deal with emails so long they could have been written on a roll of andrex toilet paper…..and yet, I still have niggles in me which aren’t going away. The job thing, the lack of income, no defined place to live……someone actually said to me yesterday that perhaps I should flip this situation on its head and realise that without these things, it actually gives me something else that not everyone else is fortunate to have…..Freedom. To do whatever I like, whenever I like with whoever I like. And perhaps they’re right. I spent enough years with a mortgage tied round my neck – now it’s time to look at the optimist side of things….glass half full?

One last thing - I had a vivid dream last night of being up really high on a bridge and walking across it with a few friends. When we came to the end, I couldn't do it - I couldn't get down those steps, I was paralysed with fear because of how high up we were, and I was sobbing. Which woke me up. And it got me thinking - is that my subconciousness telling me I just have to take that massive leap??? 

Regardless of what happens, I think that couch surfing could end up being a sport I could win a gold medal in….who knows :)

Always

Hols

xxxxxx

Weighty Issues.....

Seems funny that this will be my penultimate blog before I go on my world travels. 10 weeks and counting...EEK! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and one topic keeps rearing its head, so I thought I’d try and get my thoughts written down.

As some of you may know, I have been trying to re-educate myself in a more healthier living lifestyle. However, trying to change habits that you’ve had for a lifetime is extraordinarily hard. It’s very easy to say that you’ll stop doing one thing, because in a few weeks’ time, you’ve realised you’ve automatically started it again. It’s like it’s been programmed into you from birth. Discussions I’ve held with friends about diet/exercise and healthy living have thrown up a number of interesting issues, which I’m going to try and mention here. 

Firstly, exercise. A friend told me recently, whilst discussing this subject, that her entire childhood/teenage years included exercise of some sort – walking with her parents, running with her dad etc. Which she still tries to continue today. And it got me thinking about my own relationship with exercise. When I was at school, we had PE lesson 2-3 times a week. Then most evenings I was outside playing with the other kids in my road. But when I got to 14/15, the playing outside got childish and I slowed down my sport intake (apart from at school), even though I still rode my bike to school each day. And, obviously, my exercise went completely out of the window when I started driving. And that’s when my weight started creeping on. Because I got lazy.

No one thought to educate me on my food intake. My mum didn’t have the best relationship with food, and she spent an inordinate amount of time and effort on ‘fad’ diets (Cambridge diet, slimming world, Rosemary Connelly) etc. Plus the fact she had a ‘goodie cupboard’ in the kitchen which was filled with sweets and chocolate, apparently for the grandkids when they came to stay every weekend! Of course they wereJ. Those diets obviously didn’t work for her in the long term. What she didn’t understand was that elements of these diets DO work, if you are prepared to stick to their methods for the rest of your life – moderation, fresh fruit & veg and no processed food. You can’t do the diet, lose 3 stone and go back to your old ways of eating – the weight will obviously go back on. Isn’t that just common sense?

I’ve spoken to so many people who have tried different ways to lose weight – each to their own. But surely, the old adage of ‘eat less and move more’ is the sure-fire way to a healthier lifestyle? I know my problem in the past has been laziness – too tired when I got home from work to go out and exercise, I’m not a ‘morning person’,  I’m not built for running, I don’t like the gym….blah blah blah. But actually, it’s all just excuses. The healthiest people I know are also the busiest (one of my best friends works stupidly long hours in London, but still manages to go to boot camp twice a week and run twice a week, whilst eating healthily AND having a social life). So, does it all just boil down to the fact that most people don’t want to learn to change, therefore they stick with what they know (or rather, don’t know)? Even if it’s wrong? It’s never too late to try new things, but it does mean getting your butt off that sofa and getting outside….It’s a slow process for me, and the weight loss has been minimal (which is frustrating), but it’s a long term goal. Isn’t that the point?

And, the most important thing is to feel good about yourself, whatever your size, right? Inner confidence shines like a beacon when you have it, because it radiates from every pore. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a size 8 or a size 18, if you have ‘It’, it shows. An old friend of mine was (and still is) one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met – and she was a classified as a ‘big girl’. Her confidence in her body is what made her beautiful (plus her cracking sense of humour) and whenever I went out with her, men flocked round her. And I used to just stand there in awe of her ability to mesmerise people and all everyone ever saw was her…..not her figure. And that’s where I would love to get to. I’ve spent the last few years blaming my singledom on my weight (what man in his right mind wants to date a fat girl, right?)….wrong, I know. And to constantly moan about your weight is actually a massive bore to those around you - if you're not doing anything about it. And, actually, it doesn’t matter how many compliments you receive, if you’re not feeling confident about yourself, no amount of lovely words will make you feel any better.

Turns out, in fact, I was using my weight as a shield to protect myself from being hurt. I heard someone say once that every woman has the exact love life she wants. And I truly believe that. I’ve stayed single because I chose to, but also, I didn’t feel like I was in the right headspace to be in a relationship. So, the gloves are now coming off…..I am trying to find that inner confidence to make sure that I can love myself regardless of my weight….and perhaps, once I’ve found that level of personal happiness, I’ll meet that man who’s destined to be with me….the lucky devil, wherever/whoever he is...

Fingers crossed, eh?

xxxx

Happy Anniversary.....

In 12 days time, on the 15th January 2013, I have been in Australia for 365 days. One full year. No, I can't believe it either. 

So much has changed, and yet, so much has stayed the same. I was determined to come to Australia and change certain aspects of my life in order to find happiness, my mojo, whatever you want to call it. And, do you know what? It occurred to me recently that it's not where you are in the world, it's who you are with that's the most important thing. Someone asked me if I would miss living in Australia - so I reversed the question back to her and said 'take your family and friends out of the equation, would you miss living where you live?' and she thought for a moment and said, 'no, because it is your support network that matters the most, not where you are based'. And I think almost every single ex-pat in Australia would say the same thing - if we could all move our family and friends over here, it would be perfect (or if we could slide Australia a little closer to Europe - either way!). But the fact of the matter is, if you ever have to move away from your family or friends, the one thing that will keep you going is meeting new people or having contact with those who love and support you, no matter what.

I had a wonderful Christmas present in the shape of my nephew Liam and his girlfriend Charlotte. When I went to pick them up from the airport, within minutes it was like I had just seen them the day before, not 11 months ago. We got a campervan and hit the road, up the East Coast, so that we could all see a bit of the Australian countryside as I've never been further than Brisbane before. And what a journey it was! Loved Noosa, hated Byron Bay - it looked like it all just needed a good wash, even the people! Although, we did get to have one of the best breakfasts ever there and I got to see an old mate from St Albans (cheers midge & paul). We also went to stay overnight with another old friend in Nambour (past brisbane) who've I've known since I was 15 - again, the years just seemed like days had passed as we reminisced about old times and what the old gang was up to now. So big love, Aub & Erika. 

Fraser Island was, without doubt, one of the best places I've ever been. Considering it’s the one of the largest sand islands in the world, the fact that it has one beach that is named the '75 mile beach' will give you some idea just how huge this place was. There was a shipwreck, a freshwater creek, lunch, a walk through the rainforest and then a swim in lake mackenzie. It was like a warm bath. Absolutely breath taking. Christmas day night, we were so exhausted, we had a packet of crisps each for dinner and then hit the hay. Up at 5am to drive 12 hours to Airlie Beach...

There are loads of 'Stop, Revive, Survive' stops along the motorways, which most of them offered free tea, coffee and biscuits. The Aussies are like the Americans - they think it’s nothing to jump in a car and drive 3-5 hours to go and see friends/family. The British moan if we have to drive longer than an hour! So these revive stops were a godsend to us - time to stretch our legs, pop to the loo and nick as many packets of biscuits as we could (joke). All the stops are manned by volunteers, which we thought was amazing. It certainly made our trip a lot less boring with the straight roads and the huge amount of roadkill on the side of the road (bleurgh). Airlie Beach was beautiful, although it was stinger season so no one was allowed to swim in the sea. But they have a large lagoon in the middle of the town, where you can spend all day in the sea water pool, but without the scaryness of the fish or seaweed (music to my ears). I, unfortunately, had a contact lense issue - I rubbed my eye and the little bugger popped out - and I didn't have spare with me. So I was half blind for a majority of the afternoon. What an eijit I am.

We got a ferry crossing from Airlie, passing some of the other Whitsunday Islands over to Hamilton Island, which was gorgeous. It was complete paradise. Then we flew home, just in time for New Years Eve...

My two friends Zoe and Tom live right at Balmain Wharf, so their communal gardens overlook the harbour – what an ideal spot! We spent the whole day BBQ-ing, swimming in the pool and catching rays, waiting for midnight to arrive. When it was time, we all walked down to the Wharf, expecting it to be heaving and........there was hardly anyone there! So we had the most amazing view of the fireworks and we all sang a couple of drunken renditions of 'Auld Lang Syne' (Stu and Ange actually sang it, we all just hummed the tune!). Then back to the apartment, where a few of the others decided it would be a great idea to go swimming in the Sydney Harbour! Eeek! I would not have gotten into that water if you had paid me a million dollars....it was ink black water and who knows what was swimming alongside them. Needless to say, there were a few UDI’s (unidentified drinking injuries) from hitting the rocks.*tut tut*

It was, without doubt, the best New Year’s eve I've ever had. I usually get quite maudlin on New Year’s, as it always reminds me of mum. But this year, I was happier than ever - which was a wonderful feeling. I don't think that celebration could be topped again - although I know a few new traditions have been started (pavlova and disaranno, anyone?).

At one point, as I sat and watched the bunch of loons who I've come to call my family, as they were all laughing, joking and drinking together, I thought to myself - this time last year, I didn't know one of them. Funny how fate deals you a hand sometimes that is so life changing, that you don't realise it at the time, but at one moment, it will come up and smack you in the face. Who would have thought that this random group of people, who were thrown together with only one common denomination, would be the ones who have helped changed my life? They've made me step out of my comfort zone more times than I care to remember - which, at times, I have refused to acknowledge. I was told the other day that my default setting is switched to 'No' - until I am persuaded by someone to give whatever it is a try. And it's funny, isn't it, that most people will do the same. They'll say no, to whatever it is, but how can you say no to something when you've not tried it? Obviously, I am being quite generic here, but you get the gist. 

So, one of my new year resolutions is not to immediately say no when something I've never done/tried before is put before me. Obviously there are limitations :) But I have managed to make 2012 a year of first's.... went to my first festival; tried surfing; went to the cinema alone; ate sushi (which I love now); went to the outdoor cinema and ate alone at a restaurant. I'm sure there are a few more, but my brain seems to still be in 'holiday' mode. And I hope that this optimism will stay with me when I come back home.....fingers crossed.

I only have 16 weeks until I leave Australia......which I know will come round scarily fast.

However, I am torn. I will be leaving Oz to go home to my wonderful family and friends. But I will be leaving behind my wonderful family and friends. However, with the modern technology that we have these days, facebook, skype etc, I know that 12,000 miles between us will seem like nothing. And when I do get to see my Oz family in the flesh again one day in the future, it will be like I've only just seem them yesterday.

Happy New Year!!!

xxxxxxx

Mistletoe & whine....

Yes, yes, I may be a month early, but seeing as I have a wonderful Christmas present arriving on the 17th December, I'm going to be far too busy kissing Liam & Charlotte's feet for making the trip to see me, than writing a blog!

Christmas. It stirs up 100 different emotions in me, when the decorations are put out in the shops in September and the carols are playing in all the shopping malls. This year will be doubly strange as, obviously, I am away from home at Christmas for only the 2nd time in my life. I've always tried to do the best when buying presents, but now, I realise, that I perhaps did myself more of a disservice by trying to buy unique and thoughtful gifts when it was not always appreciated, needed nor reciprocated? And, in turn, I put myself into debt for absolutely no reason. Why did I think that my present would make someone's Christmas, when they get so much? And why do we put such an expectation on the level of gifts at Christmas, when surely it’s about being with the ones you love and honouring those who are not with us? Kids don't understand quality, it's all about the quantity - so why the constant excess?

My mum set a precedence for the sheer volume of gifts received at Christmas. I used to get a black bin bag FULL to the brim with presents, and so did each of her grandchildren (I always got more than Kim and Stu as mum said it was because I didn't have kids.....Why do you think I never had a child of my own??? LOL!). And the first Christmas without her, that big black sack was reduced to a few perfect gifts, which my sister had tried heroically to do with what she could in place of mum.....and my heart sank. I was 30 years old, and I actually could have cried because, who was going to now buy me those gifts I saw throughout the year? The CD system for my car? The new boots? The winter coat? And I had a very sharp shock that day and it made me realise that it actually wasn't the norm for anyone to be showered with that many gifts. And that from now on, it would be ME that bought myself those things....and I have, and I do. But it was a bitter pill to swallow as that was all that I had known, all my life, every christmas. And now? I love getting my handful of perfect gifts because they are personal and they are exactly what I want. And even just to get one present, we should all be extremely grateful that someone took the time to spend their hard earned money on you. Please don’t take it for granted, as that person may not bother next year - and it shouldn't be a 'right' to receive gifts, it should be earnt.

Nothing takes the sting out of not having Mum around on Christmas morning. She used to make us all wait on the landing, whilst she brushed her teeth (which seemed to take FOREVER) and then she would go downstairs to see if the presents were there (I’d like to say this it was just for the kids benefit, but no, Kim and I were just as excited). And then she'd put the fire on, press play on the cheesy Christmas music and shout out "he's been". And it would sound like a herd of elephants coming down those stairs, with me at the front, wrestling with Charlotte, Kayleigh and Liam to see who could get into the living room first. We would then all be hidden by the sheer amount of wrapping paper thrown into the centre of the room, and on a couple of occasions, there were tears (bikes received, Hifi's given and my brown suede cowboy jacket - remember that, Stu?). Mum would then set about cooking Christmas dinner, feeding the 5,000 (usually, there was a minimum of about 20 of us – maximum if I remember was 28 people one year) and I was relegated to the 'kids table' until I was 23...which caused much anger and chaos with me when my niece charlotte was promoted to the 'adult table' at just 14. Really?? Then the sitting around watching the queen's speech, preparing yet more food for the 'evening party' which saw all my uncles, aunts and cousins turn up to play 'Hi Harry', apple bobbing and dead lions (to get at least 10 minutes peace). My 6 nieces and nephews were usually relegated upstairs to play with their new toys, so that us adults could get everything ready for the evening, with the strict instructions to stay out of my room. Needless to say, all 6 of them never took a blind bit of notice of me and rejoiced in being able to turn my bedroom upside down and inside out. And the volume of sound! My god, it was like white noise! But, come midnight, that noise would subside, there would be kids bodies asleep all over the house and mum would stay up to clean everything away as she didn't want to have to “come down to this mess in the morning”.

And, hand on heart, I would give anything to have just one of those Christmas days back again.....as I never actually realised what we had then, and how situations and people change, that those kids have grown up and some have their own families now - and how that we'll never have a Christmas day like that again. So make the most of it this year....as it could all be completely difference next year.

So, my special delivery arrives on the 17th December at 6am. I literally can't breathe when I think of them arriving....and I've already warned Liam that I will be throwing myself at him and sobbing my heart out on his shoulder. By then, it would be 11 months since I've seen a member of my family. So I think I'll be entitled to cry my eyes out a little....and the plans we have for their 3 week stay are phenomenal! I'm looking forward to the week travelling up the east coast in a little camper van, just the three of us. We have just 7 days to drive over 1,900 kms - but between us, I'm sure the driving won't be too bad as long as we have some decent choons to sing along to. Stopping off at Port Macquarie, Byron, Brisbane, the sunshine coast (to see a few friends), Hervey bay, having Christmas day on Fraser island (jealous yet?) and then two days on the Whitsunday islands to check out the reef. A quick flight back to Sydney, just in time for the massive New Year Eve celebrations. They're going to need a holiday to get over this trip....

And when they leave, it'll be 12 weeks until I leave work, and 15 weeks until I leave Australia and start the amazing journey on my world trip extravaganza, to get me back to the UK. And I'm actually quite concerned about how well I'll adjust being back home and how well others will adjust to me being back. Things will have invariably changed - but how much? Who knows. Perhaps that’s for the next blog.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a rip roaring new year. I know I will.

Love you

Me 
xxxxx