Religion is a funny thing, really. I have friends who are believers/followers and friends who aren't. There are some who are staunch 'if I can't feel it, touch it, taste it, it’s not real' opinionators and those who believe in a 'God' of some denomination. Then there are the believers in the "what you put out there, you receive back" club and that the joy of living a pure and simple life really will bring 'karma' to your world. Me? Hmmmm....I just sit on the fence with this subject (getting splinters!). I envy those who have a belief system as I honestly think it brings a kind of 'balance' to their lives. But, I don't believe in God - that’s the truth. Going to a catholic school at the age of 7 until 11, being forced to go to mass every week, but not being able to have holy communion (*unfair*), and listening to the wise words of Father Falloon, I was open to believing in it. Then my Nan died when I was 8. And I saw the complete destruction that losing her left behind. And no one -not my teachers nor anyone at the church - could answer succinctly enough the enquiring questions of an 8 year old. I got told that her job here was done, she was needed elsewhere (she had 10 children and 32 grandchildren - surely her job was with her husband and family?), that only the good die young.....not sure those were the kind of answers I was hoping for. I decided not to have an opinion on religion until I really needed one, and I was enthralled at my friends whose beliefs just seemed to make their lives that little bit better. I was slightly jealous that they had it, when I didn't/couldn't believe. I was hoping that perhaps, if there was a god, I would have a divine intervention, a sign that would have been sent to me to make me realise that there is a religion that suits me (whatever it may have been....Judaism, Buddhism, Catholicism- whatever), but no one gave me a good enough argument to start believing.
And then I lost my mum to breast cancer when I was 29. And I vowed to never follow a religion for the rest of my life....because, obviously, there is no "God" if she was taken away from us all.
And yet, nearly 8 years later, after having that crushing body blow happen, I feel now that I am ready to try and believe in something again. Whatever it may be. I am hopeful that one day, something will just make sense to me and that'll be my cue to take it on board. So my mind is open to the opportunities that may come my way, and I may try a different version of these religions (not really feeling the scientology, you'll be pleased to hear). I hope to understand why those who do believe, do - and I hope that with their guidance, perhaps I may find that 'eureka' moment myself...and if not, well, I've done okay so far without it.
Talking of my mum, she's been on my mind a lot recently. Her birthday is in a couple of weeks and after a lifetime of spending a few months before trying to decide what to buy her, that habit doesn't just disappear. I miss her terribly. When you lose a loved one, whether it was 6 months ago, or 20 years ago, other people seem to forget that you have a piece of your heart missing every day for the rest of your life. That there are some really bad days, when all you want to do is pick up the phone and hear her voice.
And then I lost my mum to breast cancer when I was 29. And I vowed to never follow a religion for the rest of my life....because, obviously, there is no "God" if she was taken away from us all.
And yet, nearly 8 years later, after having that crushing body blow happen, I feel now that I am ready to try and believe in something again. Whatever it may be. I am hopeful that one day, something will just make sense to me and that'll be my cue to take it on board. So my mind is open to the opportunities that may come my way, and I may try a different version of these religions (not really feeling the scientology, you'll be pleased to hear). I hope to understand why those who do believe, do - and I hope that with their guidance, perhaps I may find that 'eureka' moment myself...and if not, well, I've done okay so far without it.
Talking of my mum, she's been on my mind a lot recently. Her birthday is in a couple of weeks and after a lifetime of spending a few months before trying to decide what to buy her, that habit doesn't just disappear. I miss her terribly. When you lose a loved one, whether it was 6 months ago, or 20 years ago, other people seem to forget that you have a piece of your heart missing every day for the rest of your life. That there are some really bad days, when all you want to do is pick up the phone and hear her voice.
I wish to god she had gotten to grips with her mobile phone long before she got ill, so she could have put on her best 'telephone voice' and recorded a voicemail message which I could occasionally listen to....she never did, and I only hear her voice when I get to watch a family DVD (normally, it’s the resonating roar of 'HOL-LLY' that rings loud and clear which still makes me laugh). I know I am the one out of the three of us who is most like her. But then, I was the one who lived with her the longest. We rowed like cat and dog, she was always right (sound familiar?) and yet, she could make all my troubles disappear with one motion of her hand to 'come here' and then to pull me into that embrace that made me feel truly safe and loved. She was my oracle - she always had a great saying about a particular situation, she always made me roar with laughter, but she would be my fiercest protector. I know a few friends who came up against her in the past, and let’s just say, they didn't win. She was stupidly stubborn (didn't talk to me for two weeks once, and we lived in the same house) and she was overly generous with her time and money to those who asked or needed it. And it breaks my heart that she never saw me get married, or have children.
BUT.....I know how stupidly proud she was that I went travelling around the world at 23, even though she never wanted me to go (on New year’s eve 1998, I called her from Australia to wish her a happy new year -it was 1.30am Oz time and 2.30pm on new year’s eve day for her - and she shouted out across the salon 'Holly's in the future - she's in 1999!"-Genius) She never forgot to tell me regularly how much she loved me and that I could do whatever I wanted with my life as long as I was happy. Well, Mum, I'm very happy. I made a great choice moving out to Australia, as it has given me the chance to reflect, reorganise and redirect where my life should go. So thank you for making me the person that I am today - I am more like you than I care to admit, but that's not such a bad thing, I hope.
One more story about mum and then I'll shut up about her. We went to Greece with my sister and the kids in 2001, literally the week after Mum had lost her dad. She desperately needed a holiday and Kim and I were at a loss as to the best way to help her smile in her darkest days. One night, we were sitting on the balcony, just the three of us, having a drink and watching the sun set across the sea, talking about life, love and the universe. Suddenly, mum sits bolt upright, points to the sea and shouts 'there's a body floating in the water!". I got up, took a look over the balcony, shook my head and said 'no mum, it’s a buoy'......to which she looked at me in confusion and said 'how can you tell if it’s male or female". To this day, I still don't think I have ever laughed so much in my life -I literally thought my ribs were going to explode. I think the other holiday makers thought mum, Kim and I were a bit mental....well, if the cap fits.
As the famous quote says....We do not remember days, we remember moments.
So, as you all may now know, my trip home has been booked - WAYHEY! I leave work at the end of March, spend a bit of time with my Brit/Aussie families and then I head off to Bangkok on the 19th April 2013. I literally can't wait to get on that travelling road. Although a part of me is absolutely sh*t scared about doing most of the trip on my own, but I'm sure I'll be fine - as long as I stick to the main roads and don't accept sweets off any strange men (unless they look like Brad Pitt). So my plan is this - Bangkok for a few nights, then travel down to a place called Cha Am (where the Thai King goes for his holidays). Relax on the beach for a week, back to Bangkok and fly over to Ho Chi Minh City for the 12 day trek through Vietnam and Cambodia. Then I fly to Beijing to go to the Great Wall of China and see Tiananmen Square. Onto Dubai for 3 days and then I hit LA. I've been booked into a nice hotel in Beverley Hills - I SO have to go into a shop and say the 'big mistake, big, huge' quote.....just because :) I get a connecting flight from LAX to Hawaii and spend 7 nights there - back to LAX and then I fly home. I should be so relaxed by then you could fit me into a matchbox. Then I have to start the whole rigmarole of finding a new job.....can't wait. Not.
Spring is just around the corner and I honestly can't frickin' wait. My friend Suzanne arrives in two weeks’ time from home, as she's going to be travelling around Australia for a few months - so coming to see me first (natch). Hopefully my brother will be able to wangle a nice business meeting over in Sydney - although if I do see him, I have a feeling I'll just sob in his arms for about 4 hours. And then I'll probably do to him what I did when I was a little girl. Whenever he used to visit mum and me from the big smoke, I was always SO happy to have him at home for a few hours. Naturally, he would then have to leave to drive back to London - and I used to throw myself on the floor and wrap my arms around his ankle and hold on for dear life (I was only 10 at the time, not 25 I may add). I have vivid memories of him trying to walk up the hallway with me sliding across the carpet, weighing his leg down. Can you imagine me doing that at Sydney Airport??? I think I would do it just to embarrass him...that's actually made me laugh out loud.
So that's it for now. Hope you've enjoyed this installment of my random thoughts and views.
Do me one favour, will you? The next time you see your mum, give her an extra big hug from those of us who no longer have that luxury. We'd appreciate that - and so would she!
Big snogs
xxxx
