The Dating Game.....

Oh, don’t you just love being single in this day and age…well, no, actually…most people don’t.

Singledom, for me, has been a way of life for a very long time. I was in such a cloud of grief after losing mum that I couldn’t see straight. I made a very bold statement not long after she died of ‘nothing now can ever hurt me again’ and I believe I put my mind to say ‘well, what’s the point in getting into a relationship if I am unable to love again’. Sounds dramatic, but that’s exactly how I felt.

The move to Australia, to me, was the start of the beginning of the rest of my life. It cleared so many cobwebs out of my life, and I started the long process of finally seeing me and what I can achieve if I really put my mind to it. A lot of people assumed I would settle in Oz, with my strapping ‘bruce’, throwing shrimps on the barbie…but it was a tough market out there. And really, I went there to find peace within me. Challenge accepted and nailed.

‘Getting out there’, as I am told frequently by some, does not equate to finding someone to date. Believe me. There is nobody who is ‘OUT THERE’ more than me. I socialise all the time – and yet? Nada. Yet no-one has ever introduced me to their other halves friends or any suitable work colleagues….and considering how many friends I have, I find that quite amusing. Paying for online dating seems to cause more anxiety than happiness, in my view. It costs a fortune, when you add up the numerous sites you feel you have to add your profile onto. And when you send messages, wink, nudge, smile, whatever you need to do to attract the attention of someone who you think looks alright and seems to have put some effort into their profile, they ignore you!. Ha! And there’s all my friends, who are in relationships telling me to get online and find the one. Would you do it? Would you put yourself in the firing line to be rejected? I don’t think you would. Most people are not brave enough.

A friend of mine (single) was talking to a male friend of hers (also single) and they were discussing the old adage of meeting someone in a pub/club and starting up a conversation. She mentioned that this never happens anymore, which I can absolutely vouch for, and his response was quite startling. He said ‘why would I try and chat up a woman and get rejected to my face, when I can go online and message 30-40 women and if they ignore me, I have been rejected, but am none the wiser’. Is this the future that us singletons are facing? If so, I’m not sure I want any part of it….But what baffles me are the men (in my age bracket) who are only looking for the ‘slim, athletic, young’ women. And it stumps me, because that’s all they’re concerned with. Has it really gotten to this? That it is all about appearance?  I’ve had so many cases where I start a conversation with a bloke who seems quite nice and somehow, we come round to body type (as it does) and I’m honest with them. Plus, my online pictures are in real-time, of me today, not of when I was a size 8 at 21. So why are they so disappointed when I explain I’m a ‘bigger girl’? And, surprise, surprise, out of radio contact they go. Disappear. Gone. Just like that. A minority, granted, but it still stings.

I’ve been on a few dates recently. I’ll leave the comedy stories for another time (or perhaps the book I’m thinking of writing) and it’s safe to say that it absolutely is a numbers game – as a wise friend told me once. When you do actually get messaging someone, and it transfers to ‘whatsapp’ and you talk for a week or two, find you have a number of things in common, it so disappointing to then meet and know, instantly, that they’re just not right – and I am not talking about looks. I mean, the spark, a connection, fancying someone. It’s a tough call.

I was once asked if I was gay.  Because apparently being single for so long constitutes that I must be, right? Well, no. It doesn’t. And even if you think that someone might be gay, you never actually come out and ask them because, I know from wonderful individuals within my close circle who are gay that it takes a whole shipful of courage and strength to announce it. If I were, believe me, I would not hesitate to shout it from the rooftops. So I think I’ve cleared that one up. Once and for all. Just in case there was any question about my sexuality!

My facebook post recently, about how my friends met their other halves bought up some interesting facts. That actually most of my friends have been in relationships for a long time and therefore would have more than likely met in a pub/club etc. Newer relationships are more likely to be online, but I still have the view that, actually, nothing beats meeting someone in person, rather than through a ‘profile’. So, thank you to all who commented with your stories.

I’ll persevere with this crazy dating cycle, forever the optimist and maybe one day, I’ll meet ‘him’. But do you know what? If I don’t, I get to live a life that I am proud of, a life that I love. With the love and support I get from all my friends (male and female) and my family, if marriage and babies aren’t meant to be written in the stars for me, well, I’m absolutely at peace with that. Single for me isn’t a lonely life. It’s a full life that I already have that I simply want to share with someone. That person won’t fill a hole that is missing. They will simply hold my hand as I continue on this journey called ‘life’.

Because, being with someone doesn’t make you whole. I am whole, as me, as Holly….and as my new tattoo states….being ‘the original’.

Love, in abundance, to you all xxx

Ready, willing and stable...

I can’t believe that it’s been 6 months since I’ve arrived home. The move from Kuwait was relatively simple and slick, due to months of planning my escape – and I think I surpassed even my own expectations of securing a new job, a car and a place to live in my first 10 days home. But home I am, settled into my gorgeous new home, in a job I love. Happy just about covers it.

My biggest worry about moving back was that it would be just another re-enactment  of when I moved home after Australia. I didn’t adjust well to being back at that time, and I expected a lot from those around me. This time, it actually feels like I haven’t been away at all – which, in a roundabout way, is the nicest feeling of all. The feeling of contentment I have now is probably the most I’ve felt in years….and perhaps it has a lot to do with the fact that this time, I know that this is the place I want to be.

But, there has also been a massive shift in one aspect over the last few years. I’ve only just realised this recently and I thought I would share it with you all (as I do via my blog-mutterings)..……Spontaneity.  No one has it anymore. No one bothers with it anymore – and, before I get hounded by the parents amongst you, I understand why it has become extinct. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. And I’m not just talking about going out – I’m talking about phone calls, instead of text messaging and just turning up at someone’s house because you’re driving past….that kind of thing.

Here’s a funny thought that you may be surprised at. My mobile never rings. Seriously. It doesn’t. The only people who actually ring me (regularly) are my sister and my dad – and it’s usually because I called them first! That’s it – they’re the only ones. I remember a time, many moons ago, when my phone would literally be ringing all night – and I get it that people think that I am out every night on the razz, so they don’t bother to call, but there is this amazing invention called voicemail. If I can’t answer the phone because I am out at dinner with another friend, I won’t undermine their time by answering the phone and chatting with you. Because that’s just rude. But I will call you back, and I will giggle at the silly voicemails as I listen to them. And turning up unannounced….why doesn’t anyone do that anymore? My mum and I used to drive round in our old red Cortina going from one auntie’s house to another, having endless cups of tea, just to be sociable. And I LOVED it. Mum got to chat with the grown-ups and I got a cheeky hour of playing outside with my cousins. Heaven. And this was usually on a school night too…

People have a little whinge at me when they try and get a date in my diary to catch up, as my availability is usually limited. And the reason is, because 90% of my friends are parents – and that means they have to plan their nights out – they cannot be spontaneous (for obvious reasons). So, I then have to plan my weekends around them too. This leaves absolutely NO room for spontaneity. None at all. And I sometimes wonder what would happen if I cleared my diary for a month, didn’t make one appointment and see what would happen? My biggest fear would be that I would spend most of the month on my own, because no one has the capability nor the interest in being impulsive anymore. Not sure I’m brave enough to try it out.

And, funnily enough, after writing the piece above, spontaneity arrived at my door last night. A friend was free for a ‘one’ glass of wine….4 hours & two bottles later, not only were we slightly smashed, but as I closed the door to go to bed, I realised how thankful I was for that little unplanned visit (and she’s a mum too) – so it has just turned most of this blog upside down!

Christmas is just around the corner – and I cannot conceal my excitement this year. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m home with my family, the fact that I'm not having to work on the big day this year (!), or whether its acceptance, finally, of what Christmases have become for me. For 29 years, I had Christmas a certain way – always at mum’s, always with my siblings, nieces and nephews and almost every year, seeing some of my extended family. And of course, over the last 10 years, it’s invariable changed. The nucleus of the family has gone for me, the magic & sparkle completely disappeared and everything that I had associated with Christmas changed forever.  But this year, I don’t know – something has shifted, finally, after so long.

And acceptance is a force majeure. It has to be. Because you have no other option.  This year, I have a number of friends who are dealing with loss, grief and huge personal changes. And Christmas just throws in your face the whole ‘family, love, togetherness’ aspect. It’s always the hardest time of year when you are adjusting to change. So, this Christmas, instead of spending stupid amounts of cash on presents that actually won’t get used, why not spend the one thing on your families that we are all in need of…time. It’s what my siblings and I now do – we spend an entire day and evening together, eating, drinking, laughing and not one physical gift is exchanged. Because, you will always remember a memory – a gift can be broken, lost or damaged. Memories usually can’t be. Just a thought – perhaps for the future.

Happy Christmas to you all – from the bottom of my (very excited) heart.

Hols x 

Home is where the heart is.....

The Arabian adventure is coming to an end. It has been a unique journey, that’s for sure. A wise man (my dad) told me that even though I may not understand it or see it right now, the reasonings and lessons to be learnt from my time here will become crystal clear in the future.  Another wise man (Dave Wallis) told me that what you’re worrying about now, you won’t be worrying about in a year’s time. And a year goes by so quickly, doesn’t it? And thirdly, my wisest of men (my big bro) once told me that sometimes it’s more powerful to say nothing than to react to certain situations, which for me is a lesson in itself!  I do hope the three wise men in my life are right….I’ll let you know in due course J

What have I learnt from my time away (again)?

• That I am adaptable. That I am able to change my perspective, my views and my need to be right all the time (still work in progress, but I’m constantly working on it!).
• That I am brave, even though most days I don’t feel it, but to pack up and move to a unique country with no contacts is extremely bold. And scary. Very, very, scary.
• That I am loved – truly loved – by my family and friends. Even though I have questioned some relationships in the past, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And it also reminds me that I am not required to be everything to everyone, like I have strived for in the past. To be liked, accepted and approved of has been my mantra since I was a teenager.  I've spent the majority of my adult life exhausted! And do you know what? Those who are in my life are there for a reason, even the ones I don’t speak to or see from year to year. You’re still there. Don’t ever think you’re not.

Someone once questioned how I could juggle so frequently the friends that I have – well, firstly, I don’t have a husband and/or children to take my centre stage. I only have to think of me and what I want to do, with who I want to do it with! Secondly, I have history and memories with everyone who I consider a friend. It may be from my (much) younger days, from Harry Smiths, school, work or even because we bumped into each other in a random country and spent a day together, but history we have.  And that, my friends, is worth nurturing. 

I am a firm believer that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. To have landed in Kuwait, not knowing a soul and to have an old friend from 20 years ago facebook me and tell me not only is she in Kuwait, but that I can move in with her, was actually a moment I will never forget. How is that possible that after losing touch for 8-ish years, we both end up in the same country, at the same time and pick up where we left off? Lizard, you have been my guardian angel – thank you J

 So, what’s next? That’s a tough question. I was on skype with a wonderful friend a few weeks ago and her husband popped on screen and asked me why on earth am I coming home to ‘the same old sh*t’ (or words to that effect). And it got me thinking. Is that what I’m doing? Returning to the same old, same old? I don’t believe I am because I am different. I have learnt so much about myself over the past 4 years, since I made the decision to move to Australia. And now, I can say with complete clarity that I had mistaken homesickness for loneliness  when I was in Oz. I was never alone, but I was lonely. And that was something I had never felt before. It’s only with hindsight that I can look back and know that, yes, moving home from Oz was the right move for me because as much as I loved it (still do, always will), it’s was still too far away from my family. But I learnt so much about myself during that time and it will always be the best 18 months that changed my life forever.

But when I moved back to the UK, I had an expectation that I could just slot back into people’s lives and be that stalwart support that I’ve always been. But guess what? Everyone had managed to live without me just fine whilst I was away – who knew? Life carries on when you’re not around on a daily basis, and people adjusted to the change – of course they did, what did I expect? But it was such a shock to me, to adjust to being back and nothing to have changed - when I had seen and done so much.  So when the opportunity to move abroad again arose, I jumped at the chance. Kuwait has been a wonderful experience and I am so glad I have done it – to have met the people I have, to have seen the places I have seen – it’s been another fantastic chapter to put into that memory book. But like all good chapters, it has to end.

And this time, I know what I am coming back to. I know that I want to find my own place, get a superb new role, finally remove all my stuff out of storage and put down roots, wherever in the UK that may be. Perhaps even meet someone (wouldn’t that be a shock to you all!). I want to re-invigorate my soul to being a new version of the best parts of the old me. To find that all-encompassing mojo that has been hidden for a long time. Here’s to the future – in my 40^th year, I think I’ve finally worked out who and where I want to be. Let's hope this is the start of more amazing stories to be told.

I’ll never lose my wanderlust to travel, and I will continue to see new amazing countries and cultures (I have a wish list already written out) but I’ve learnt that, no matter where you are in the world, there is no place like home.

 Always, Hols xxx

Hot in the City.....

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to sit down and finally write my ‘Middle Eastern’ blog. I’ve been here in Kuwait for  4 months now, which has flow past – in a bit of a whirlwind to be honest  and it is  completely different to my first 3 months in Australia. More about that later.

So, it’s hot. Damn hot. Like 45 degrees plus every single day. But it’s not humid which is something I am thankful for -  it just feels like the skin on your face could spontaneously combust at any moment....and that your eyes have dried up to the size of raisins. But apart from that, it’s fine!

Living in a Muslim country has opened my eyes to a number of things. Most notably, is the religious aspect. I’m not going to preach my views here, as to be honest, I am of the opinion of whatever floats your boat – but what I do now have is a deeper understanding of why women cover their faces, heads and bodies in the name of Islam. And do you know what? It’s not for me to explain it to you. If you want to know why they do it, go and research it – you may be pleasantly surprised. But don’t judge women who wear burkha’s on some facebook group that’s trying to incite hatred. People, if you have the knowledge, you have the power. Simples.

We have just finished the 4 weeks of the holy month of ‘Ramadan’ in July. It was tough. We worked reduced hours due to the number of employees who would be fasting, but to not have that bottle of water on my desk, or those nibbles in my draw to eat, was really tough. Turns out, I can go a few hours without eating – who knew??! I did notice that my nails started to split and my skin was really dry from the lack of water. And I was SO lethargic! But we had little kitchenettes we could go into to drink water and one of our canteens was open so we could take our lunches and eat in there. But obviously, I was never organised with taking my lunch in and I would forget to visit the kitchen regularly. I am such an ejit sometimes.

Okay, so let me give you a rough guide to living in Kuwait. There are no trains here. None at all. Don’t think I’ve ever been to country that doesn’t have trains before. Driving – now there’s a whole new concept. I cannot begin to explain how much you take your life into your own hands by driving in Kuwait. It is absolute madness. People on their phones, kids running wild in the car (no car seats here, by the way – I actually saw a man with his 3 year old on his lap whilst he was driving). No concept of safety – its all ‘Inshallah’ which means ‘God Willing’. If you’re in a crash, it’s ‘inshallah’.  There are car loads of women with 4 or 5 maids in the back seat and the front seat empty.  Because they are maids.  Single women throw their mobile phones into the cars next to them for the guys to add their numbers into their phones – some even have diamante phone numbers on the back of their cars for men to call them. Can’t decide if that’s genius or terrifying! And the men are just as bad – with their supercars, racing down the highways. Madness. I also have a driver. It sounds a lot more glamorous that it actually is. I have a taxi driver who picks me up every morning and drive me to work. I do NOT want to drive out here....I relish my life far too much. The taxi’s here seem to be on a good thing. Petrol cost £4 to fill up a 3 litre SUV. Yes, you read that right. And most taxi journeys cost between £3-5 one way. So yeah, I think sometimes I’m in the wrong job.

The houses are enormous. As a Kuwaiti, once you are married, the government hands you a piece of land. However, because Kuwait is now getting a bit congested, they keep their land outside of the city, and instead build upwards on mum and dad’s house. There are no gardens, as it’s too hot to sit outside. So the buildings just get taller and taller – with rooftop covered pools. If you are born in Kuwait, you are not considered a Kuwaiti unless both your parents are born here. So many children are born here, but are not allowed a Kuwaiti passport.I heard a great saying the other day – if a Kuwaiti could drive up to bed, they would. Which pretty much sums up how the lives of the rich are here. When I go to the supermarket and try and pack my shopping into my recycling bags, I get looks of complete shock from the workers as they can’t comprehend why I would want to pack my own bags. And not use 700 plastic bags to take everything home in! There’s no recycling here either, which goes against what I’m used to.

On the whole, I am loving living in Kuwait. I was fortunate enough to find out that a very old friend was already living here when I arrived, and she kindly offered for me to rent a room from her. With a pool on the roof, air con and all modern amenities, how could I have said no?  I literally cannot believe my luck. Someone was definitely looking out for me. Thanks Mum.  Work is making the time fly. I am learning so much on a daily basis, that my head feels like it going to explode every evening.  For the first time in my career, I am concentrating wholly on my work – I know it will surprise most of you to know that most weeknights I come straight home, have dinner and go to bed! The weekends seem to last longer out here – I am assuming it’s because I’m not hanging every Saturday morning with a raging hangover and spending half the day in bed. I do miss drinking, but not as much as everyone else thought I would. Although everytime I Skype with my dad & pat, they both have a glass of vino on the go – thanks guys!

Homesickness isn’t a problem this time around. It has occurred to me that when I was in Australia, I actually wasn’t homesick - I was lonely. Even though I made an amazing group of friends, there were still nights I was home alone, and that’s when I felt it the most. I’d never really spent time alone before then – as most of you know, my diary was always full with meeting so-and-so for drinks or going to someone’s house for dinner. So my time in Australia taught me that having time on your own is amazing – that, to be able to spend time alone is crucial. And, as it turns out, I’m quite good company! Who knew?

Also recently, it’s been that spate of birthdays for most of my friends now turning the big 4-0. And it’s only 6 months until I hit mine. A few of my friends seem to be having difficulty with this big birthday approaching, but I cannot wait. As you know, my 30’s started with the most life changing situation to have ever happened to me (losing my mum 2 months before) and I’ve come to realise that I’ve now lived my entire 30’s without her. And I’ve learnt a lot in that time – about who I am, where I want to be and who I want to become. I know that when I was in my 20’s, it was assumed that I would be the one out of most of my friends who would be married and have children by now. Isn’t it funny how life turns out? I have accepted the fact that biological children may not be in my future – but I do hope that one day, someone may call me mum, whether via adoption or fostering, but who knows. It’s hard to know how that will pan out. But for now, I’ll enjoy the path I am taking and know that whatever lies ahead for me, it was already mapped out long before now.

Love, always x

Leaving, on a jet plane......again.

So, the word is on the street. Those itchy feet have made me consider new opportunities and  I'm off again. To some, I don't think it's a massive surprise that I'm off on my next adventure. The 'coming home' experience was not everything I thought it would be, although, I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and that I was meant to come home in order to know where to go next.

Hindsight is the greatest thing, right? I now know that I made a snap decision to leave Australia. And there will be a lot of 'I told you so's'. However, on the flip side, once my decision was made, I then moulded into the happiest I've ever been. Looking back, I know I couldn't have stayed in a recruitment agency role (as much as I loved my job and my boss!), but I fell out of love with the recruitment industry. So, purely on that level, I knew I had to come home and move into an inhouse role as my visa would not give me that opportunity in Oz. My journey was to take me to Mothercare in order to find out about Alshaya, which has now opened more new doors for me to step through. 

In my past blogs, I have spoken a lot about friendships. To me, my friends represent the lack of partner in my life, they have taken the place of a husband and child(ren) - sometimes to my detriment. My family are the one constant in my life, however, my demands on their time, love and support can sometimes cause friction as they cope with their own demands. I'm well aware of that. But readjusting to your surroundings takes time, patience and understanding from all those around you.

I've learnt a lot over the past 10 months about how I'm perceived, how I deliver my words and the fact that, actually, I do have a lot of patience and I have changed, but some still assume I will react like I used to, so they back away. So, the question is, are people open to change or do they fear it and stay the same as its easier?

Someone told me recently that in response to not having the 'big' occasions in my life yet (a marriage, children, buying a house with a partner), I'm actually chasing my own 'immense' rollercoaster rides, which invariably includes moving abroad and starting again. I used to fear the unknown, the fear not being known and the thought of being in a place where no one knew me filled me with terror. But, oh my, how that has changed. It's now my desire to be somewhere new, to be unseen, to walk around incognito and only tell people parts of my life that I want them to know. That, my friends, is my new passion. That and not starting my sentences with 'no, but'. Right Zo?

My counselling course has taught me a lot of personal things. I've realised I have a fear of abandonment, which makes me smother my friends & family in many ways. I expect people in my inner circle to think of me, like I think of them - and when they don't, I am always confused & feel let down which then makes me question my relationship with them. But that's my issue, not theirs. And it's something I'm working on, which will take time and effort. It's hard to try and tweak personal idiosyncrasies when you're surrounded by people who may judge you on your past behaviours. I know that I speak my mind, but I have never done it with malice or cruelty. I never speak to maim someone. Ever. But some feel it's okay to speak their truths to me and I have to take that on board? How is that fair? Others judge my honesty as a negative and yet, when they want a new perspective or advice, who's the person they'll come to? My point exactly. But I always have open arms and (hopefully) an open mind when they do come to me.... 

University also taught me a raw truth - that I am hardly ever listened to. I speak, people hear me, but they very rarely listen. Because if they did, they would see how hard I've been working to try and tweak my behaviours, that my personal journey from Australia (and around the world) has made me change my perspective. I am no longer angry at everyone. I try not to judge. I have a mostly positive outlook on life and I try and be happy almost everyday. My journey to Kuwait will give me a new perspective on my career and my finances. And who knows, perhaps one day I will be a lot happier with who I am, with what I have to offer and will get the opportunity to feel unconditional love. But for now, I'll travel the world and take you all with me via my blog.

And right now, that's just enough.


xxxxxx

Be thankful...part 2

China, Dubai, Hawaii

 The onward journey from Bangkok to China was relatively simple, but due to two weeks of constantly moving on the Cambodian trek, when I arrived in Beijing my body just sort of said ‘enough’ and I was hit with a virus, which floored me. I managed to do one day’s full trip to see the Ming Tombs, the Forbidden City, Tienanmen Square and The Great Wall of China, but had to spend the 2^nd day in bed, feeling very sorry for myself. I met two girls from Essex on our day trip who were hilarious! I thought they were going to wet themselves laughing when they saw my reaction to their offer of a ‘proper’ jaffa cake....real chocolate! I was dancing and whooping all over the jade factory car park.....bless them, they actually gave me the whole packet purely on the fact they felt sorry for me not to have had a genuine jaffa cake in 18 months. Good girls.

 I wasn't a big fan of Beijing. There just seemed quite a negative vibe to the place. When I asked my tour guide about the Tienanmen Square protest, she just shrugged and said ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about’. And meant it. Turns out, because of the censorship in China, a lot of the Chinese actually don’t know what happened there. And that stunned me. The heritage of the city was amazing, but I just felt that some people didn't seem to want to interact with any westerners. I’m glad I went though, and I can always boast about the Great Wall, however, I don’t think I would be in a rush to go back.

 Dubai ended up being just 2 days of sleeping off the rest of the virus. I think I definitely need to go back there and see it in all its glory. It was amazingly clean, friendly, hot and the food was amazing. However, it did slightly unnerve me when I got a facebook friend request from one of the pool boys who had found out my name from my room number! I complained to the manager, as being a female lone traveller, that kinda spooked me – have been offered a one night free stay – good excuse to go back. Anyone for Dubai?

I arrived in Hawaii, via a stopover in LA for one night, and from the minute I walked off the plane, I knew I was going to love this place. And yes, they do actually put a ‘Lei’ over your head when you walk into arrivals. My hotel was very central (if not a tad basic), but it had everything I needed. Plus, for some reason, they gave me a room with two double beds. Touch! Waikiki Beach was breathtaking – what I loved about the whole island was that it stuck to its heritage with a flash of westernisation and a modern take on their culture. The large corporate fast food joints weren't allowed to plaster their signs all over the buildings, they had to adapt to the feel of the island, so twice I walked past a KFC and a Burger King without knowing they were there. The night markets were amazing and I just know that Hawaii is one of the places that not many people go to, but absolutely should. One of the best places to eat was the ‘Cheesecake Factory’ which actually served one of the best club sandwiches I’d ever eaten. However, I was warned by a lovely Brazilian woman (who I met whilst dipping in the sea), that I was not to go to Maui – you should only go there if you’re newly married or retired – as it’s known as the island for the ‘newly weds or nearly deads’! No nightlife after 7pm - glad I picked Waikiki then.

The last few days in Hawaii were a little strange. I knew I only had a limited time left before I got on that flight at LA to come home and I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it all. Nervous? Definitely. Excited? Of course. But I knew that the most important thing to me was to not fall back into my old ways and run around after my friends to please everyone. The one thing I learnt in Australia was to do what pleased me, first and foremost.

 Home...

Coming through those double doors at Heathrow made me feel a bit sick. I was nearly hyperventilating with excitement and I could hardly breath. As the doors swung open, the first figure I could make out was my big bro, and then I saw Kim, Ruby, Sue, Dad & Pat. My heart was beating out of my chest and the tears just streamed down my face. Ruby and Kim ran to me and then I was just enveloped in hugs from my family. I was home, safe, back in the arms of my loved ones.

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of phonecalls, visits, jetlag and trying to adjust to settling back into some sort of routine. I was fortunate enough to find somewhere to live, get my car back on the road and find a job all within a few days (my stepmum wants to know what the female equivalent of ‘Goldenballs’ is), and I felt like a fish out of water. Everything was scarily familiar, yet absolutely nothing had changed. Only me. And I didn’t quite know how to deal with the onslaught of adapting to a life I knew so well, yet, wasn’t sure exactly what it was I wanted.

Over 3 months later, and I can still have the wind knocked out of my sails by remembering my world in Australia and the life I led there. I know for sure that here is where I want to be, but I am missing my ‘people’ who I did everything with as I’d never had that kind of group of friends before. The kind where I wasn’t the decision maker and someone else would tell me where we’re going and what we were doing. Relinquishing control was so freeing.  And I loved that.

Adapting to my new/old life is an ongoing project. I have found a job that I love, I’m living in a great house and I get to see my family regularly. Tick, tick, tick. But, there are still quite a lot of adjusting to do. But I’m getting there. I am sick with nerves at the thought of starting University, but I know it’s a course that I will love. Not quite sure how I am going to fit in the studying with my hectic social life, so if I go off the radar, at least you’ll know it’s because I’ve got my head in a book, not because I’m being rude J

Friends are still the lifeblood of my world. Good, bad, indifferent, they have all made their mark on my time away and my arrival home. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for the love, support, tears, arguments and alcohol that I have shared with these people. Mum used to say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime....and right now those words are very apt.

Perhaps I need to change the name of my blog now.......any ideas would be greatly appreciated as well as any advice on where this blog should be directed now?

Love and light

xxxx

Be Thankful....Part 1

The blog update will  be in 3 parts....so enjoy the first sitting :)

This trip of a lifetime has been so much more than I ever expected. And, ironically, it's been the least westernised places that have astounded me with their customer service and general loveliness. 

THAILAND & VIETNAM

My first week was spent in glorious Thailand. My beautiful friend Tori came with me and we spent the first day together in Bangkok. We got slightly lost due to a rogue tuktuk driver with no idea where to go and what to do....and this thai woman passed by us, stepped back and asked if we needed help. She told us the best places to go, got us a tuk tuk, negotiated a great price and advised us about costs of trips etc, and expected no money in return. Tor and i couldn't believe our luck! So, off we went - and had an awesome day. Although we realised by 2pm we hadn't eaten a thing, so after nearly passing out on the road, we ended up on the Koh San road, drinking 'Chang' beer and eating superb food - in, ironically, in the first ever bar I went to, back in 1998 called 'lucky beer'.

We travelled to an amazing resort called 'cha-am' and spent a week in paradise. We only left the hotel once, to go to the next town called 'hua hin' for an afternoon. And neither of us had ever felt so exposed, so uncomfortable or so unsafe. Needless to say, we were back on the bus as soon as we could! Only benefit of being in that town was finding a 'boots the chemist' shop!!! Its the little things....

Tori and I parted company and I flew onto Vietnam. I was only staying two nights, as I was due to meet my 'trek' people on the Saturday night. On the Friday, I got there mid afternoon but, initially, I just didn't like the vibe of Ho Chi Minh city...not sure why, just didn't. Met up with my mate Dave, from home, on the Saturday morning and I had been speaking to a 'cyclo' driver who said he'd do a good deal for the day, for $15. Sounds good, thought Dave and I. So we got cycled around Ho Chi Minh for about 4 hours....which was good fun, although the roads are chaos! No rhyme or reason to the driving and the place is overrun with scooters! Something like 6 million scooters in the city alone. Mental. Got to the 'war memorial' museum, which was amazing. There was a lot of information that I never really knew about the Vietnam war, and some of the pictures I saw had me in tears. Truly terrifying.

Ended our day with the cyclo driver scamming us out of a LOT of money....which gutted me as I'd hoped that Vietnam wouldn't live up to my initial dread. But it did. However, we met up with the 'Cambodia Trekkers' that evening, and went out for dinner.....little did I realise at that point that these 14 other people would end up sharing the most amazing holiday with me...and all keeping me massively entertained with their random ways and personalities.

CAMBODIA

We arrived in Phenom Pheng after an epic 8 hour coach trip on a public bus, which had air con and played the Cambodian equivalent of 'one direction' on repeat. Thank god for Ipads! We spent the next two days in this wonderfully colourful and vibrant city, walking around and tasting the local delicacies (well, jeremy & gayle did!). We got taken to S21, the Major prison where the Khumer Rouge kept most prisoners before they were taken to the 'Killing Fields'. It was a blistering hot day and walking around this eerie prison site, seeing the cells, the torture chambers and tools was a very sobering experience. It was so quiet, even though we were one road back from a major street and we barely spoke to each other - just drinking in the emotion of the place. Imagining what those people had to endure, just because one man decided he was better than everyone else. Pol Pot killed over 2 million cambodians, mostly the elderly and educated, as he wanted a new breed of citizens who would do whatever he said and wouldn't challenge his decisions. We met an actual survivor, who was amazing - he spoke through a translator and when he described his torture, you could see everyone was nearly in tears.

We moved onto the Killing Fields. Imagine being in a bus, being told that you are on your way to a new village, for a brand new start. You arrive and, whilst being chained to the other prisoners, you hear soft music blaring out of the speakers. Nirvana, right? Wrong. They played the music so loud so that the new arrivals couldn't hear the executions taking place in the fields. Here, they murdered women, children and even babies. I've never been anywhere so affecting in my whole life. The 16 of us walked around in a trance, not quite believing that this place and this horrendous genocide could actually happen, not only in our lifetime, but up until 1978. 

Once we returned to the bus and travelled to our 'homestay', we all barely spoke. I don't think any of us could quite comprehend what we had just seen. However, the homestay blew away the negative, sad thoughts and bought us all back into the present. We had an amazing meal and a troupe of local children put on a wonderful show for us. We then all split into groups and slept under a mosquito net in a small hut on stilts, literally in the jungle. I shared a mattress with Diana, with Tess, Luke and David in the same room. And then the giggles got Diana and I. We laughed like drains over the silliest things for hours.....proper belly laughing. Then the sounds of the jungle kicked in and it was worse that sleeping next to the M25! The noise was deafening....needless to say, we got about 2 hours sleep.

The next day we did a small trek to the waterfalls (it nearly killed us all, treking over boulders in our flip fllops) and then we travelled to a beach resort called Sihanoukville. We stayed here for three days - having pedicures and threading parts of our bodies on the beach, eating fresh seafood (well, some people may not have called it fresh after the food poisioning they got!), took a boat trip to an amazing island called Bamboo Island, snorkeling in the crystal blue water, fishing off the side of the boat with a length of fishing wire and.....well, that was it really, just the wire.

Went went to 'Spider Town', where our guide Sareth had teased me mercilessly about making sure I had tight trousers on so that the spiders didn't crawl up my legs! I was nearly hyperventilating, much to everyone else's delight. However, it was all a joke and its known for it's deep fried trantulas, which a few people tried eating (lunatics). Cambodians eat insects as a good source of protein as when they worked in the fields under the Pol Pot regime, it was all they could find to eat. Eat them or die. Simple really.

We moved onto Siem Riep, to visit the major temple of Angkor Wat. It was breathtaking. Absolutely stunning. Definitely a 'tick' off the bucket list. We had a few days in Siem Riep and it was amazing - strolling round the night markets, a night out in a 'hip hop' club, a boat trip to probably the worst place in the world ('one dollah') and then finishing off in a hammock bar, listening to Michael Bolton screaming out about how is he supposed to live without me....

We finished up back in Bangkok - one more night with the whole crew together and what did we decide to do? Go to a 'Ping pong' show......well, all I'll say about that is its a view I'll never forget - and I never realised Roberto was so good with a Ping Pong bat!

A few of us stayed in Bangkok a few more days, but one by one the numbers dwindled as everyone said goodbye. I loved the fact that every other holiday I've had, I've made a conscious effort of deciding who to go away with....and then, purely by fate, 15 of the funniest, bravest, strongest people get thrown together to see some life changing sights. I'll never look at immodium the same again and I know that I am happy to see the back of the 'bug spray' as I went through bucket loads of the stuff.......but, the memories I will always have. And I thank the Cambodian Trekkers (and tori) for a holiday of a lifetime:

Dave
Luke & Dave
Diana
Luana & Roberto
TJ & Callum
Jeremy
Gayle
Hannah
Jo
Anna
Jackie
Tess

YOU ROCK!!!! xxxxxxxxx